Mitt Romney Well on His Way to Becoming Straw Nominee
By Biff Scuzzy

SPRINGFIELD, Ill. – Former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney took another giant step toward capturing the Republican straw presidential nomination yesterday when he swooped off with more than 40 percent of the votes cast in Illinois' influential state fair straw vote.

“Big Mitt’s certainly got the ‘big mo’ now,” said Little Mitt Romney, one of the candidate’s five sons. “If he takes the straw polls in Delaware and North Dakota this weekend, he’s going to be hard to stop.”

Both Delaware and North Dakota, it should be noted, moved their straw polls from October to August in order to wield more influence on the straw presidential candidate selection process.

Nevertheless, some Republican candidates denigrate straw polls. Rudy Giuliani, who refuses to campaign in them, laughs that Governor Romney is "grasping at straws"; and John McCain recently called straw polls “less than meaningless.”

History has shown, however, that it’s nearly impossible to lock down the straw nomination without doing well in straw polls. Governor Romney, therefore, has pledged to “carry the fight” to his opponents in all fifty straw polls.

“Unlike the bad old days, when king makers met in smoke filled rooms and drew straws to see who their nominee would be, the straw presidential nomination is decided on merit," said Governor Romney in his victory speech.

"Winning the Republican straw nomination is especially important in this election,” the governor continued, “because the Democratic candidates are nothing if not a bunch of straw men. I believe that whoever wins the Republican straw nomination is this country’s next straw president.”