Tom Cruise, Johnny Depp, Pee Wee Herman Vie for John Mark Karr Role
By Phil Maggitti

HOLLYWOOD - Flush with an infusion of coin from hedge fund sources, Tom Cruise announced yesterday that he is "over the moon" about the chance to play John Mark Karr, the lube job who thinks he killed JonBenet Ramsey, Natalee Holloway, Chandra Levy, and others.

"A role like this comes along once in a lifetime," said Mr. Cruise in a statement released by Paula Wagner, his partner in Cruise/Wagner Productions.

"I firmly believe the role of John Mark Karr could be my Monster, my Raging Bull, my Beautiful Mind," said Mr. Cruise.

According to a source close to Cruise/Wagner, "Tom plans to write, star in, produce, and direct John Mark Karr's story," whose working title is You're All I Want for Christmas. "This is the kind of edgy, existential part Tom has been wanting to do for some time."

You're All I Want for Christmas is still in the brainstorming stage, but speculation is rife that by movie's end John Mark Karr will be "cured" of his twin obsessions with murder and young women by his conversion to Scientology.

Although Mr. Cruise appears almost desperate to play John Mark Karr, the recently fired Paramount star faces competition from Johnny Depp, who has long been Mr. Karr's choice to play himself.

"We've been getting e-mails and scripts from Mr. Karr for several years, ever since he saw Ed Wood," said Celia Mondeforte, Mr. Depp's representative. "John's been adamant about Johnny playing him. No matter how much money Tom Cruise waves at John, I doubt he would cooperate. He thinks Cruise is too weird to portray him accurately."

"Nonsense," countered Paula Wagner. "Karr's so obsessed with stardom he'd sign with Mel Gibson. Loyalty doesn't mean squat to that guy. As far as he's concerned, it's love the one your with, even if you weren't actually with them."

In related news, a representative for Pee Wee Herman said that his client was more suited than Mr. Cruise or Mr. Depp to play John Mark Karr.

"Has either of those two pretty boys been arrested for masturbating in an XXX theater?" said the rep? "Has either of them got a child pornography collection like Pee Wee's? When Karr gets a look at some of those cuties, he'll sign with us as soon as he dries his hands."