Courtesy of Postcards

Fats Domino Is Alive, Who Knew?
By Phil Maggitti

BATON ROUGE - Rock 'n' roll singer Fats Domino, long believed to have been dead, has turned up alive in Baton Rouge, Louisiana. According to news reports, Domino, 77, who is sometimes remembered for his 1950s hits "Ain't That a Shame" and "Blueberry Hill," was rescued by boat Monday night from his apartment in New Orleans, where he has been living, apparently, in quiet retirement for some time.

The news of Domino's rescue was overshadowed in most quarters by the news that he has been alive all these years.

"Jesus, I though he had died a long time ago," said Brent Jamison, 62, of Auburn Hills, Michigan, who was visiting a shopping mall with his daughter, Sunshine, 40, and his grandson Geoff, 14. "He's got to be ancient by now."

"Who the hell's Fats Domino?" said Geoff. "Did he start the pizza business?"

"Didn't he give all his money away and became a minister?" asked Sunshine.

Music fans old enough to remember the rotund, big-headed singer first learned he might be still alive when news reports out of New Orleans said he was feared to have drowned in the flood that had engulfed the city in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. On Monday night, however, Domino was rescued from his apartment along with his wife, two daughters, and a son-in-law, all of whom were alive as well. The group was taken to the Superdome, which did not have a seat large enough to accommodate the immense singer.

Not wanting to call attention to himself or to consume more than his share of the limited oxygen inside the Superdome, Domino phoned JaMarcus Russell, a distant family friend, who is the starting quarterback for Louisiana State University.

"I thought the Fat Man was calling to ask me where we going to a play our home games this season and how that would affect the spread," said Russell. "The dude's heavy into football pools."

Russell was able to accomplish something that local, state, and federal officials had not been able to do up to that point: get somebody out of New Orleans. He drove the Domino group to his apartment.

After spending the last three nights sleeping on a couch in Russell's two-bedroom crib, Domino left angrily yesterday afternoon because somebody had locked the refrigerator and the bathroom. He and his family/entourage had no idea where they would go next, said Domino.

"I guess we're walking to New Orleans," he laughed, referring to his other 1950s hit.

In other news, president Bush said he was not offended by rapper Kanye West's accusation that Bush doesn't care about black people. "I know in my heart that [West] doesn't speak for all the people of Zimbabwe," said Bush.

ŠThe fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional. Be advised to believe half of what you see and nothing of what you read. You must have a mental age no greater than eighteen to enjoy this shite.