Bush Surprised by Visit to Iraq, Thought He Was in Texas
By Ted Gay

AL-ASAD AIR BASE, Iraq - President Bush made a surprise visit to the Al Asad Air Base in the Anbar province of Iraq Monday morning.

“Shit yeah, it was a surprise all right,” said a top White House aide under promise of anonymity. “We told him he was going to Texas. You should have seen the look on his face when he woke up and realized he was in Iraq.”

The president explained his confusion to reporters by saying he has a rough time distinguishing between "the two countries" because both are "flat and sandy and everybody hates me.”

Aides said they wanted to take the president to Iraq before the pending report to Congress on the effectiveness of the military surge so he could see the “remarkable turnaround” in the Sunni area west of Baghdad.

According to Mr. Bush, however, the only remarkable turnaround anyone was going to see was “how fast I get my ass got back on that plane.”

Mr. Bush was scheduled to meet with Iraqi Prime-Minister Nuri al-Maliki, whom the president has cleverly nicknamed “Flaming Douche Bag.”

Also on the president's tight schedule was a tour of the pro-Sunni Anbar region, but he balked at that idea despite his aides telling him what a success the surge has been there.

“My colonoscopy was a success too,” Bush said, “but that doesn’t mean I want to tour my own anus.”

The president stopped in Iraq en route to the Asia-Pacific Economic Cooperation summit in Sydney, Australia, although aides have told the president that after Iraq they were going to a big park to play catch.