President Bush Condemns Stick It to Whitey Days at Midwest College
By Matthew Rand

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President Bush has condemned an experiment in racial tolerance devised by a sociology professor at Maclean College in Richmond, Indiana. The experiment, an "Intercultural Exploration of Racial Sensitivity by Means of Role Reversal," is more popularly known on the Maclean campus as "Stick It to Whitey Days." It will begin on September 12 and extend through Columbus Day.

According to White House spokesman Scott McClellan, President Bush has been listening to a books-on-tape edition of "Race Card Politics: Dealing from the Bottom of the Deck," while riding his bike. This Heritage Foundation report exposes "the liberal plot to inject race into all aspects of current affairs."

Speaking through McClellan, President Bush declared: "At a time like this when white people such as myself are being accused of insensitivity to people of color, whether they're trapped in prison camps or on the roofs of their houses, this "Stick It to Whitey Days" experiment will only serve to divide our nation further and to make white people more resentful than they already are."

Reece Blanchard, M.A., the assistant professor of sociology at Maclean who created "Stick It to Whitey Days," disagrees. "Students approved the concept of "Stick it to Whitey Days" in a obvious spirit of social revolution," said Blanchard, "and as another way of demonstrating how stupid white people sound when they whine about the government using quotas to screw them over."

Although Blanchard acknowledged that most Maclean students are white, neither he nor his students see this as an obstacle to sticking it to whitey. As Maclean student Caroline Smith of Portland, Oregon, explains: “Our definition of white people is a conservative, exclusionary one, limited to those who listen to Rush Limbaugh, go hunting, or attend NASCAR events. Therefore, anyone who does not listen to Rush or is not a card-carrying member of the National Rifle Association or does not enjoy watching a bunch of crackers chasing each other around in circles can safely say that he or she is a brother or sister.”

Student organizers at Maclean plan a number of events during "Stick It to Whitey Days." The first event will be the Republican hunt, in which a member of the Young Republicans Club at Maclean will be released without food or bottled water on the back campus wildlife preserve. There he will be hounded by students, who will pepper him with personal insults and whatever tired slogans they can get their hands on.

"In order to hunt the Republican most effectively," said hunt organizer Elizabeth Cook, a drama major at Maclean, "we intend to stockpile slogans such as 'No Bombs for Oil' and 'No to Imperialism.' For extra firepower we'll also be packing some 'Bush=Hitler' chants. We're gonna bust a cap in that capitalist's ass, f'shizzle."

Not surprisingly, many students were excited about the prospect of hunting a hidebound conservative. "Word up!" exclaimed Kirk Taylor, pumping his fist in the air in the Maclean quad. "Now I can finally be feelin' like a pimp," the elementary-ed major from Chicago declared. "After so many semesters of being made to feel like some liberal sissy boy, I can finally burp and [break wind] and curse in public."

Assistant Professor Blanchard and "Stick It to Whitey Days" people of color.

Sarah Smith-Cho, a sociology-anthropology major from Xenia, Ohio, said she was looking forward to "experiencing the human male sociocultural penile experience through application." Failing that, she plans to "break out my roommate's dildo."

Not all students were exited about hunting down Republicans, however. "Trashing Republicans is so last year,” said phys ed major Stew Steinbeck of White Plains, New York. "Besides, anyone who can think back as far as last year's presidential debates knows that Kerry wanted to kill for sport, kill for Jesus, and kill for democracy just as much as Bush did."

In addition to the Republican hunt, "Stick It to Whitey Days" at Maclean will present a racial epithets smackdown and a date rape competition. The grand finale closing celebration will feature a mock riot on Columbus Day to mark the conclusion of Assistant Professor Blanchard's experiment.

"There could be no better way to end our experiment," said Blanchard, "than by running amuck on a day set aside to honor the land-grabbing, disease-spreading, native-people-abusing white mo-fo credited with 'discovering' our great nation."

In other news, Michael Jackson has recorded a new song, "Children and Lawyers First," and has announced that he will donate a portion of the profits from this song to build housing for children under the age of ten who were left homeless by Hurricane Katrina.