President Bush Dogs Condoleezza Rice about Romance Rumors
By Biff Scuzzy

Did the secretary of state give the foreign affairs minister a lap dance?

WASHINGTON, D.C. - President George W. Bush summoned Condoleezza Rice to the Oval Office for a tongue lashing yesterday. The president was upset by rumors that Ms. Rice has been conducting "Posturepedic diplomacy" with Canada's foreign affairs minister, Peter MacKay. The rumors began when Ms. Rice visited Mr. MacKay in Nova Scotia earler this week.

"I just crave the feel of the cool Atlantic brezze whispering over my java-brown thighs," Ms. Rice told reporters. "I let Peter know that I'd be sleeping with my window open."

According to a source close to the White House, Mr. Bush shouted, "That's all she'd better have open" when a staffer read Ms. Rice's remark to him.

Ms. Rice's current indiscretions—including a "love bruise" on her lower lip that no amount of cosmetic attention could hide entirely—are the latest in a series of cock-ups that has earned her the nickname Dirty Rice among her press entourage.

In February she angered members of the Black Political Caucus (BPC) when she announced that she had signed with Miramax pictures to star in Jemima Power, "a musical tribute to America's best-recognized pancake lobbyist."

"At first the BPC feared I was 'too ghetto' for the role, which seeks to avoid the racial stereotypes that have long made people of color uncomfortable with Aunt Jemima," said Ms. Rice.

Can you spot the phallic symbols in this photo?

She needed only two days of auditions with the Elton John score for Jemima Power to convince the steering committee of the BPC that she could sing and dance no better than her white co-stars.

"Condi's got a natural awkwardness that can't be taught," enthused Brad Pitt. "It's almost like she wasn't born singing and dancing."

Ms. Rice returned the compliment, telling the BPC it ought to "suspend judgement" on the casting of Mr. Pitt as Frederick Douglass because "Brad is 'quote-
unquote' well-equipped enough to play a proud, virile black man, trust me."

In addition to what the president called Ms. Rice's "crack-whore attachment" to Peter MacKay, there have been other speed bumps on the once-smooth private road traveled by Mr. Bush and the woman he calls Brown Sugar.

In April 2005 Ms. Rice was seen pacing back and forth in the legendary pedestrian crossing opposite Abby Road studios in London for half an hour. Eventually police arrived to disperse the growing crowd Ms. Rice had been attracting and to escort her to Scotland Yard. Metropolitan Police Chief Commissioner, Sir Ian Blair, later described the incident as "a moment of uncertainty."

British tabloids reported, however, that Ms. Rice was higher than George Michael when she arived at Scotland Yard.

What we know for sure is that Ms. Rice was inadvertently separated from her entourage during a brief trip to an American diplomat's north London apartment. To make matters worse, she did not have her mobile telephone with her.

"Cut off from her advisors and her mobile, Condi didn't know whether to sh*t or go blind," says a White House aide. "So she paced back and forth in the zebra crossing, hoping that somebody would recognize her."

The incident sparked a meteor shower of rumors in cyberspace, most of them concerned with Ms. Rice's alleged opium habit.