Britney Spears Writing Self-Help Book for Children
By Chip Hilton

MALIBU - Britney Spears is writing a self-help book in order to prevent “childrens everywhere” from making the same mistakes she’s made since her ill-advised, fifty-five-hour Las Vegas “marriage” nearly four years ago.

"I wisht somebody had of told me when I was a kid not to drive around without a license and not to attack cars with umbrellas,” said Ms. Spears.

“There’s so much a young girl has to learn before growing up—like not going without panties in months that contain an ‘r.’ That’s why I want to write a self-help book that’ll keep children from hurting their selves like I done.”

An editor at Hyperion Books in New York confirmed that Ms. Spears’ book will be told from the viewpoint of S.P., a baby who acquires magical insights after being dropped on his head by his evil nanny.

Rumors began circulating more than a year ago that Ms. Spears was considering writing a book.

"Britney Learning to Write" screamed the cover of THEM Weekly over a photo that showed Ms. Spears—with a copy of How to Write a Best-Selling Children's Book under her arm—asking directions to the Starbucks kiosk in an L.A. Borders.

Ms. Spears denied the story, claiming she had bought the book "for a friend," but the following week THEM Weekly printed a picture of Ms. Spears leaving the Starbucks kiosk in a Staples office supply store with a bottle of BIC Wite-Out in one hand and a venti peppermint java chip Frappuccino in the other.

Then Choc, an Italian publication, paid $250,000 for a titillating shot of Ms. Spears sitting on the balcony outside her suite at the posh Le Merigot Hotel in Santa Monica wearing nothing but a laptop computer.

According to Leon Gonzales, Ms. Spears' recently hired vocabulary coach, she originally wanted to write her autobiography, but she was intimidated by language. Mr. Gonzales offered to ghost write the book for Ms. Spears, “but Britney's too much of an artist to have somebody write her own autobiography. That would be almost as bad as lip synching. So she decided to write a self-help book for kids because she already knows a lot of two-syllable words."