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Courtesy of Postcards
HOLLYWOOD – A noted animal communicator said yesterday that Ellen DeGeneres and her partner, Portia de Rossi (nee Amanda Lee Rogers), gave away their puppy Iggy two weeks after they had adopted him because he became agitated whenever he saw them having sex. “The signs are all there,” said Daphne Fitzwater, who interviewed Iggy at the request of Animal Welfare Services of Los Angeles. “The poor little dog told me it was unbearably stressful to watch Ellen and Portia ‘fighting over a big black cucumber’ every night.” According to Ms. Fitzwater, author of I Hear the Animals Talking , "Anybody with half a brain knows that having sex in front of young dogs is the single most damaging thing you can do to harm their psyches.” The former top fashion model and landscape consultant explained that small breeds like Iggy, a Brussels griffon mix, can be especially traumatized by the sight of two people having it off because human genitalia, whether genuine or made of silicone, appear threateningly large to a small dog. "If you think about the difference between a Brussels griffon’s penis and the average, double-headed dildo, you can imagine what I'm talking about,” said Ms. Fitzwater. Because small breeds are reluctant to jump off a bed for fear of injuring themselves, they have no place to hide when hand-to-hand combat breaks out, she said. "Iggy told me that even if he turned his head and closed his eyes, 'They made so much noise I couldn't ignore them.' I felt so sorry for that little dog. When Ellen started calling out for god, Iggy had no way of knowing Portia wasn’t hurting her.” People like Ms. DeGeneres and Ms. De Rossi who give pet names to their genitals "compound the trauma," said Ms. Fitzgerald. "Iggy was a nervous wreck because he thought there was a pussy named Thunder Snatch hiding under the covers that wanted to play, but when he started chasing Ellen’s cats, he got into trouble.” ©The fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional.
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