Pages Say Mark Foley Was the Gift Who Kept on Giving
By Martin Whitman

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Reliable sources have confirmed that as far back as 2003 former congressman Mark Foley (R-FL) purchased at least twenty-eight popular, brand-name, high-capacity mp3 players and overnighted them to various locations across the United States.

Foley—who has been the subject of a recent high-profile, not to mention juicy, sex scandal—is said to have purchased the mp3 players from an online electronics clearing house and sent them, along with allegedly lewd birthday cards, to young men in eleven different states.

Our exclusive sources report that Foley was frequently in a gift-giving mood. He regularly ran up huge credit card bills at electronics stores and sporting goods outlets.

One former page, who prefers to hide his identity, told us, "On my very first day as a page the other guys told me to get a PayPal account so that he [Foley] could send me money. I didn't understand what they meant at first."

Meanwhile, three more Catholic priests have come forward with testimonials about their sensuous—but not overtly sexual—encounters with Foley when the former congressman was a teen.

"Mark really liked getting naked and running around the rectory," said Father Lawrence O'Reilly of the Tampa diocese. "We never did anything you might call sexual, but we did wrestle a lot."

While some have suggested that Foley's extreme reaction to the revelations about his e-mails indicates that another shoe is about to drop, Foley's lawyer has denied that the encounters went any further than the almost-suggestive e-mails.

"And if anything else did happen," he added, "it's only because Mr. Foley was abused as a child."

The lawyer also denied reports that Foley plans to raise money for legal fees by auctioning his e-mail address book on eBayŽ.

In Washington members of Congress from both parties are still lining up to denounce the alleged e-mail abuse of pages. In an all-night, speech-making marathon broadcast on CSPAN, members of the House of Representatives took turns railing against Foley's alleged abuse of power and calling for anyone connected with Foley to step down.

Said California legislator Nancy Pelosi, "I'm sure the trail of cover-ups and abuse stretches all the way to the White House."

With the midterm elections just weeks away, the Foley sex scandal remains a hot topic on the campaign stump. The recently formed Washington-based People for E-mail Decency Online has reported that 91 percent of candidates for Congress have included references to the Foley scandal in their campaign literature. Said a spokesperson for the group, "The references are especially prevalent in the really tight races."

Mr. Foley, who is said to be undergoing treatment at an alcohol rehabilitation center in Thailand, could not be reached for comment.