Britney Spears Is Bisexual, Says Kevin Federline
By Phil Maggitti

Lovers in the back seat?

WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Kevin Federline might have denied this week that he had ever committed to binary numbers any private acts commonly described by Arabic numbers—in other words, there ain't no sex tape, yo—but he did provide a breathless America with a revelation about his estranged wife, Britney Spears. According to Mr. Federline, Ms. Spears is a switch hitter.

"She bats from either side of the box, yo," said Mr. Federline, lounging on the deck of an above-ground pool behind a Motel 6 in Tampa, Florida, where he is scheduled to perform at Borders tomorrow night.

"She told me all the time, yo, about how she dug women as much as she dug men. She was always wantin' me to hook her up with another bitch so we could all get busy together.

The return of the Bermuda Triangle.

"At first I thought she was frontin', yo, but I caught her one night watching The Office Girls and gettin' herself off. While I was peeping her out, I remembered how she and Madonna had sucked face at the 2003 MTV Music Awards. That was hot, yo."

THEM Weekly reported yesterday that Mr. Federline is writing a tell-all book in which he airs Ms. Spears frequently dirty laundry in public. The edgy rapper allegedly plans to make the book so raw that "people will get lockjaw in the open position" after reading it.

Someone in the Federline entourage told THEM Weekly that Mr. Federline paints Ms. Spears as a bong-riding, coke-snorting freak who has had "secret plastic surgeries."

Coincidentally, one of the women Ms. Spears is accused of liking "in that way" is Paris Hilton, Ms. Spears' club-hopping partner in Las Vegas last weekend. The two smoked chronic openly at a corner table in Moon Nightclub surrounded by a security detail of hired killers. Later they were seen passing a rolled-up bill back and forth at a similar out-of-the-way table at Tryst in the Venetian. Better yet, there are pictures of Ms. Spears and Ms. Hilton holding hands in the Tryst parking lot.

Does Britney have a bump or is she packing?

"They looked like the most adorable baby dykes," said one of the paparazzi stalking the couple.

So are the girls BFFs or GFBs? Is there a Boston marriage in their future? And what's up with the white underwear? Is there some convent school fetish going on here? Only time and tabloids and Kevin Federline's ghost-written autobiography will tell.

In related news, the winning entry in the Postcards from the Pug Bus Name That Britney Spears Sex Video contest was announced during halftime of the Denver Broncos-Kansas City Chiefs game last night. The winning entry, as selected by Pug Bus readers, was Britney Speared, submitted by shiv. This entry received 48 percent of the popular vote.

Runners up were Oops I Came Again, submitted by chris, which garnered 28 percent of the vote, and Super Spectacular Trailer Trashin' Whore, Volume 1, submitted by Jonny, 14 percent.