Mall Shooting Rampage Inspires Shopping Insurance
By Biff Scuzzy

"When shit happens, SHIT has you covered."

WILMINGTON, Del. – The Westroads Mall in Omaha, Nebraska, where a frustrated shopper gunned down nine people yesterday, has inspired First State merchants to create Shoppers Hourly Insurance Terms (SHIT).

This novel marketing tool, which allows shoppers to purchase insurance that remains in force for the duration of their stay at the mall, is the brainchild of Sandy Bergman, director of sales and marketing for Wilmington’s duPont Mall.

“With all due respect to the families of the slain shoppers, we have to think also about the families of the living,” said Mr. Bergman. “We can’t allow these tragic deaths in Omaha to taint Christmas for the rest of the shoppers in this great nation. If we do, the gunman has won.”

Thus, when the duPont Mall opens Saturday, holiday shoppers will have the option of purchasing SHIT policies at conveniently located kiosks in the four mall entrances: north, south, U, and non-U.

“The duPont Mall has made every effort to make SHIT available to even the most cost-conscious shoppers,” said celebrity pitchman Robert Wagner, scheduled to make a special appearance at the mall on Saturday afternoon.

Delaware, the home of tax-free and insurance-aided shopping.

“SHIT offers hourly term life insurance in $1-million units for a mere $1 per unit per hour,” said Mr. Wagner. “If you expect to shop for three hours in the mall, you can purchase $1 million in term insurance on yourself and up to two additional loved ones for the low, low price of only $3. And the best part is, no one can be turned down. Furthermore, we guarantee that your premiums will not be raised while you are in the mall.”

“No other mall offers shoppers the peace of mind that duPont can,” added Mr. Bergman. “Now shoppers can be secure in the knowledge that their Christmas purchases—and perhaps even their home mortgages—will be paid off in the event their shopping is interrupted by a deranged gunman with self-esteem issues.”

What’s more, Mr. Bergman continued, “SHIT covers our shoppers even when they’re in the parking lots surrounding the mall.”