Porsche Denies Plans to Release Nikki Catsouras Model
By Biff Scuzzy

Nikki Catsouras

ATLANTA - A spokesman for Porsche Cars North America denies that his company has "any plans whatsoever" to introduce a limited edition Nikki Catsouras 911 Carrera model.

"This [rumor] is vile and detestable," said Dieter von Richthofen, director of public information for Porsche (porsh-uh).

"I don't know how this kind of thing gets started—I suppose the Internet is to blame—but I can assure the Catsouras family as well as Ms. Catsouras' MySpace contacts that we do not intend to profit from their misery."

Nikki Catsouras, then 18, died on Halloween 2006 after she had stolen her father's car in the early afternoon to go joyriding on the Eastern (241) Toll Road near Lake Forest, California.

While apparently racing a Honda, a Honda for crap sake, at speeds of more than 125 mph, Ms. Catsouras lost control of her father's Carrera as she attempted to pass the Honda on the right. When the stolen Carrera finally came to a stop against a toll booth, Ms. Catsouras had lost her head, literally this time.

Not long afterward, photos of the crash scene were posted on the Internet, and soon after that rumors began circulating on several Dark Nets that Porsche was planning to release a Nikki Catsouras 911 Carrera model "that sports car fans will be losing their heads over."

Dieter von Richthofen

According to these Dark Net sites, the Nikki Catsouras 911 Carrera features a 606-horsepower, twin-turbocharged V-12 engine and more overall modifications than Joan Rivers—plus, "it comes equipped with E-Z Pass so you don't have to slow down for tolls."

The Nikki Catsouras 911 Carrera boasts "neck-snapping" acceleration that enables it to go from zero to decapitation in 6.7 seconds.