Britney Spears Hires Frappuccino Holder in Custody Ploy
By Chip Hilton

MALIBU – Britney Spears has hired a full-time Frappuccino caddy in an effort to convince California child welfare authorities that she is serious about regaining custody of her sons, Sean Preston, 2, and Jayden James, 1.

Ms. Spears lost custody of the little tater tots following a year-long drugs-and-Doritos binge highlighted by a series of incidents in which she and her lady parts went bat shit in public.

As a result, a California court has decreed that custody of Ms. Spears’ two sons reverts to her only in the event of the deaths of her former husband Mr. Federline, his parents, all the adult members of his immediate family, Ms. Spears’ parents, all the adult, literate members of her immediate family, and Shar Jackson.

Ms. Spears hopes to leapfrog the frogs in that queue by driving more responsibly, and she believes she can accomplish that if she isn’t carrying a Venti® Mocha Frappuccino in one hand and a cigarette in the other.

“Ah’m not givin’ up mah precious boys without a faht,” said Ms. Spears as she and her Frappuccino caddy, Maria Vazquez Laredo Conception de la Hoya Morales, emerged from a Starbucks on Cross Creek Road in Malibu.

“But ah ain’t givin’ up mah Frap, neither,” said Ms. Sears. “It keeps me sharp an’ heps me juggle mah career and motherhood and social life at the same time.”