Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Katie Homles Christmas Carol
By Phil Maggitti

THE NORTH POLE - 'Twas the night before Christmas and Lindsay was drunk, while Britney was belching and shaving her skunk. Fat Rosie O'Donnell was cleaning a rug, not thinking of Donald and his fugly mug.

Fair Katie was comfortably strapped in her bed, electrodes from e-meters taped to her head. Short Tommy was unwrapping his newest toy, a recently imported Nubian boy.

Paris and Tara were doing a number, and planning a remake of Dumber and Dumber. Brad in his kerchief and Angie her cap were spouting that tired old save-the-world crap.

Madonna, conflicted, was faced with decision on whom to invite to her son's circumcision. Heather McCartney, that one-legged whore, just answered the twenty-fifth knock on her door.

Nicole was preparing a holiday feast of Ex-lax and prune juice and denatured yeast. Sweet Jessica Simpson, pursing her wont, was blowing the desk clerk at Chateau Marmont.

Jennifer Aniston, jilted again, was ripping the willies off gingerbread men. Danny DeVito was taking a snap at finding a midget on George Clooney's lap.

Neil Partick Harris, good old Doogie Howser, was trolling the boulevard looking for trouser when whom did he spy but goofy Clay Aiken, wearing a sign saying this seat ain't taken.

On Scarlett Johansson, Reese Witherspoon too, Boy George and George Michael, the usual zoo. I heard them exclaim as they drove out of sight, Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.