Pamela Anderson Named Breast Awareness Spokesperson
By Chip Hilton

HOLLYWOOD - Actress, best-selling author, and animal-rights activist Pamela Anderson has been named the 2007 Spokesperson for Asymetric Breast Volume Distribution (ABVD).

This condition, affecting nearly one third of all women past the age of thirty-five, is not life threatening; but if it is left untreated, it can cause not only social embarrassment but also scoliosis of the spine, distorted cleavage, compensatory leg lengthening, and uneven shoe wear.

Ms. Anderson, as the photos on this page illustrate, is afflicted with port (left-hand side) ABVS. The disproportionate weight of her left breast causes her torso, neck, and head to tilt significantly toward port, despite her attempt at correcting the condition by lugging around a sack filled with cement on her starboard (right-hand) shoulder.

"This tragic presenting condition is all too familiar among otherwise attractive women of a certain age," said Todd Millwerk, M.D., who introduced Ms. Anderson to medical reporters at a press conference early last week.

Like many people in Hollywood, Pamela Anderson leans toward the left.

Dr. Millwerk, a leading authority on ABVS, urges women to have their breasts measured each time they have a mammogram. In addition, rough breast measurements can be taken at home or in a doctor's office by using an adjustable baseball cap.

According to American Medical Association guidelines, the threshold for ABVS is reached if one breast is more than 6.5 percent larger in circumference than the other. Although some doctors want that threshold lowered to 5 percent, all practitioners agree that women who exceed the present benchmark ought to seek medical assistance.

That assistance, Dr. Millwerk explained, "generally translates into monolateral breast augmentation or reduction," depending on the patient's preference. Ms. Anderson told reporters later that she favors reduction.

"Look at me," she said, pushing out her chest. If I had my teeny side enlarged, I could turn into the hunchback of Chateau Marmont."

Medical science is at a loss to explain the etiology of ABVD. Early studies indicated that women who sleep on one side develop ABVD in the breast opposite the side on which they sleep. Other studies suggest, however, that women develop ABVD in the breast opposite their significant other's favored hand.

"This means," Dr. Millwerk explained, "that women with right-handed boyfriends (or girlfriends) develop ABVS in their left breasts and vice versa."

Dr. Millwerk also pointed out that additional studies are needed before an definitive etiology can be described with any degree of certitude.

In other news, sources close to Michael Jackson say the former King of Pop plans to revive his career with a tribute tour in honor of the late James Brown.