Big Love Ends without Long Anticipated Foursome
By Biff Scuzzy

The Henricksons on HBO's dud Big Stiff.

WEST CHESTER, Penna. - HBO's blockbuster series Big Love ended its first season last night without the long-
anticipated foursome that has kept me and many of my buds glued to our lounge chairs on Sunday nights.

I know some smart-asses will claim there were sticky substances on our chairs long before Big Love came along, but I'm not gonna go there on a family-orientated website.

Anyways, last night we learned who had poisoned Bill's father—it was Bill's sister-in-law Wanda, if anyone gives a rip—and we saw that under-aged android who's about to marry the lizard-skinned Roman Grant get hip to the fact that after they're married he's gonna want to lay his cold reptilian hands on her chipmunk cheeks, both sets. That thought didn't seem to go down well with her, and something tells me she figures Ol' Roman isn't going to go down any better.

"Hey you guys, did Bill ever ask you to . . ."

But, like, who cares? You make your bed and you get violated in it. What me and my buds came to see was a little four-way street between Wild Bill and his three wives; but did we get the four-on-
the-floor we deserve for putting up with this sorry-ass soap opera for eleven episodes? Hell no!

What's wrong with these Mormons? Does LDS stand for "Latter Day Stiffs"? Why would a guy work his ass off to support three wives and their seven kids when he gets to sleep with only one wife at a time—one night at a time? How uptight is that? Is he functionally retarded or what? I've had foursomes with chicks I wasn't even married to. Truth be known, one of them was married to somebody else at the time.

"My, what big boots you have."

It blows my mind to see that stiff Bill sitting around with three doable women and only taking on one at a time. That kind of behavior gives polygamy a bad name. With all the Viagra he gobbles, you'd think he'd have the get-up-and-go for a double header once in a while—or at least he could watch while his wives cleaned the carpets.

I've got news for HBO: support for Big Love is soft, and soft support will eventually find another game if HBO refuses to play hardball. If that foursome doesn't materialize during the first two episodes next season, me and my buds are switching to our TiVo'ed collections of Real Sex. Those people definitely do not think three's a crowd.