Tom Cruise Enters Addiction Treatment, Suri Safe with Family
By Buckner Wheat

DETROIT - After weeks of speculation surrounding the existence of Suri, the daughter of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, details have recently surfaced that shed light on the TomKitten mystery.

"Suri does, indeed, exist," reports Dinah Weinberg, spokesperson and minder for Katie Holmes. "She is alive and well, surrounded by loved ones from both sides of her family.

"That’s not to say that all is well in the Cruise-Holmes household," Weinberg continued. "Tom has bravely checked himself into a residential treatment center to deal with a long-time addiction with which he has been struggling."

"It all began with a routine physical exam after Mr. Cruise had turned forty," reports family physician, Dr. Dan Henderson.

"In the ensuing weeks, he returned for more and more digital prostate exams. Initially, I suspected that he might have a phobia of prostate cancer and was being overly cautious. However, after he kept returning, I began to have the sickening suspicion that Mr. Cruise was, in fact, obsessed with the exam itself."

Dr. Henderson's suspicion was confirmed when he saw Cruise on a late-night talk show.

"When I saw Tom do that fake laugh, the one where he shuts his eyes and opens his mouth, I realized it was the same face he pulled during the digital exam. Frankly, it gave me the creeps. I had to cut him off after that."

"Tom began ‘doctor shopping’ after his primary doctor had cut him off," said Weinberg. "He saw hundreds of physicians across the U.S., Canada, and Europe in order to satisfy his addiction.”

Grimacing, she continued, “He particularly favored the French physicians because of their proclivity toward taking temperatures 'the old-fashioned way.' After Katie discovered him performing a self-exam in the shower, she questioned what kind of a father and role model he'd be for Suri. That was when Tom, literally, hit bottom. Until he gets this addiction under control, we've thought it best to keep Suri out of the media."

Cruise is reportedly undergoing withdrawal at Stone Hawk Scientology Treatment Center near Detroit. His treatment counselor, Dr. Robert Hubert, provided the following explanation of Cruise's addiction.

"Mr. Cruise suffers from Podexis Inritophilia—an addiction to anal stimulation. While it is a rare condition and the cause is unknown, it does seem to manifest itself in diminutive, hyper-masculine subjects such as Mr. Cruise. But frankly, I've never seen of a case of Podexis-I more acute than his."

Dr. Hubert explained that Scientology promotes detoxification as the primary mode of addiction treatment, "but even though colonic-irrigation therapy is most often applied, we're foregoing it in favor of vitamin therapy because we don't want to risk cross-addiction in Tom’s case. Frankly, he faces a long, tough road. He will most likely struggle with this disease for the remainder of his life. I wish him the very best."

Meanwhile, Katie Holmes has begun attending Al-A-nal meetings to assist her in coping with Cruise’s addiction.