Katie Holmes, Angelina Jolie, Britney Spears Outbuzz Their Men
By Chip Hilton

HOLLYWOOD - Web surfers looking for a one-hitter at work or at home are more likely to toke up on items about Katie Holmes, Angelina Jolie, and Britney Spears than their respective mates. In a penetrating report entitled "Relationships and Their Lopsided Buzz," Yahoo pulled the covers off three celebrity couples: TomKat, Brangelina, and Mr. and Mrs. Britney Spears.

"Tom Cruise has a bigger film career and the larger-than-life persona," said Yahoo, "but the mother of his unseen child attracts twice the curious online lookers."

No wonder Ms. Holmes wants to resume her career instead of staying at home reading Aristotle to Suri while Beethoven shimmers from the Bang & Olufsen.

The female is also the deadlier of the species in the Brangelina palace.

"Brad Pitt's making Ocean's 13 now," said Yahoo, "but his girlfriend and baby mama is strong indeed—with three times the buzz."

"That's like the difference between smoking schwag and smoking chronic," said Mr. Pitt's Ocean's 13 co-star and butthole buddy George Clooney. "Brad might deny that he's Angie's bitch, but the buzz don't lie."

If Ms. Holmes and Ms. Jolie outpoll their better halves, who at least have careers, where does that leave poor, delusional, mange-ridden Kevin Federline? Mr. Britney Spears gets Katrina'd in Yahoo searches by a score of 1-to-33 compared to his wife and only visible means of support. No matter how many times Ms. Spears makes K-Fed sleep in the basement with the gardeners, he just can't get it up, buzzwise.

Nor does K-Fed's buzzer compare favorably to Tom's or Brad's or even Paris Hilton's kinkajou's. Tom measured four times as many searches; Brad ten times as many; and the kinkajou thirteen times as many. Of course the kinkajou is one of the few mammals to have bitten Paris Hilton without having to get a tetanus shot afterward.

In other news, Owen Wilson has threatened to sue anyone who suggests that his affair with Kate Hudson during the making of You, Me & Dupree is the reason Ms. Hudson decided to leave her husband, that guy who sings for the Black Crowes.