Jessica Simpson Flubs That Dolly Parton Song Again
By Biff Scuzzy

Jessica Simpson being guided through an airport by her dog.

NEW YORK - Once again Jessica Simpson was no match for the words to Dolly Parton's "9 to 5." Ms. Simpson first shat all over the C-list classic during the taping of a live tribute to Ms. Parton at the Kennedy Center on December 3.

While a packed house, including Numb Nutz and Laura Bush, watched in stunned fascination, Ms. Simpson kept one arm clenched around her chest—as though to hide multiple nipple erections—while she attempted the song.

"Tumble outta bed and stumble to the kitchen," Ms. Simpson began in a wavering voice, getting the letters if not the spirit of the words correct. She even managed to claw her way through the third line, "Pour myself a cup of ambition," but then she screwed the pooch.

Instead of singing "Yawnin', stretchin', try to come to life. Jump in the shower and the blood starts pumpin'," Ms. Simpson croaked, "Bonin' gets me stretchin', try to cum, alright! Humpin' in the shower and my baby starts a-pumpin'."

At that juncture, the Washington Post reported, "Simpson stood frozen on stage like a deer caught in headlights for a brief minute that played like an eternity, after which she bounced off stage like a jackrabbit. Really, she bounded—it was very strange."

After the rest of the show had proceeded without incident, producer George Stevens asked Ms. Simpson if she wanted a mulligan, but she replied, "No thanks. I ain't hungry."

Mr. Stevens explained that a mulligan was a do-over and that by taping the song again Ms. Simpson could still be included in the televised version of the Parton tribute, which will air the day after Christmas. Ms. Simpson, though she appeared not to understand that concept, gamely agreed.

"The nice thing about wigs is that your roots don't never show."

Although no one connected with CBS will say how many takes Ms. Simpson needed to get through the song without mishap, Them Weeklyİ is reporting in its double year-end issue that "upward of a dozen attempts" were needed before Ms. Simpson had sung all 233 words of "9 to 5" without incident.

"That's no mean feat," said Them Weeklyİ editor, Buzz Earwig. "Jessica doesn't have 233 words in her working vocabulary."

All of CBS' consideration went for naught, however. After Ms. Simpson had seen an advance copy of her make over, she decided she didn't like herself, and she asked to be deleted from the program.

In related news, production costs for the romantic comedy Blonde Ambition, in which Jessica Simpson appears with Luke Wilson, are rising because of her inability to learn her lines.

"I've seen smarter German shepherds in porno flicks," said one source close to the film. "They finally had to hide a microphone in her ear so a crew member could feed her lines. You don't want to know what they had to do to remind her when it was time to go to the bathroom."