Astronaut Lisa Nowak Boosts Depends Sales | Medifast Coupons
By Matthew Congdon

HOUSTON - Although charges of attempted kidnapping and murder have just been brought against astronaut Lisa Nowak as a result of her bizarre attack on a co-worker's girlfriend, there is a no reason to fear that Nowak is all wet.

The forty-three-year-old defendant did drive nine hundred miles from her home in Houston, Texas, to the Orlando, Florida, airport, where she pepper sprayed U.S. Air Force Captain Colleen Shipman, who, Nowak believed, had been waxing horizontal with her former squeeze astronaut William Oefelein.

What's more, police did find latex gloves, a black wig, BB pistol, pepper spray, a two-pound drilling hammer, black gloves, plastic garbage bags, an 8-inch (20 cm) Gerber folding knife, and a supply of Depend in Nowak's car. According to a police report, Nowak wore a Depend to avoid bathroom breaks during her trip to Orlando.

Depend, the leading maker of adult diapers, has garnered not only prime product placement in this sad, soggy tale but also a new spokesmodel.

"Lisa has opened a whole new demographic for us," confirmed a company source. "We had been focusing on the incontinence issue, but now we have the gal-on-the-go angle. We see a whole Lady Depend product line in the making.

"Lisa's really flushed out the concept," he chuckled. "I hear she was hording Medifast coupons to swap on Craiglist for Depend coupons. They seem to be an even trade on the coupon blackmarket.

"Think of all the things the modern woman can do while wearing Depend: drink five cups of coffee, make great time on the Georgia state parkway, and have a full psychotic break. All June Allyson ever did was play tennis."

Already in the works are print ads featuring the now ubiquitous mug shot and the tag: "What makes a Depend girl? When your first priority is to make good time, your second is to confront that bitch, that's the only number 1 or number 2 you want on your mind."

Even NASA is getting on board with the ad launch, seeing an official adult diaper endorsement as a way to show support and unstain the soiled reputations of its ranks.

"Never underestimate the positive power of the astronaut," insisted a rep for the space agency. "Look how we took an odd-tasting, chemically enhanced orange powder called Tang and made it America's wholesome breakfast drink.

Protection a lady can depend on.

"Depend is just a natural extension of that product. You can't drink anything up there without needing a diaper. Fortunately, in space no one can hear you pee."

Seeing that the case has yet to reach trial, doesn't Depend feel it's a bit premature to back a spokesmodel who could prove to be an insane, pepper-spraying psychopath?

"That's not how we see it at all," insists the inside source. "Our view is that the woman who wears Lady Depend stands for passion, intrigue, and a love that makes you weak in the bladder."