Starbucks to Open First Port-o-Cup Outlet
By T.J. Eckleburg

The Port-o-Cup, for people on the go.

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – The Starbucks corporation announced yesterday that it will open it’s first Port-o-Cup™ outlet in West Chester, Pennsylvania, on the Postcards from the Pug Bus compound, where a mysterious horselike sculpture appeared recently.

According to Starbucks chairman of the board, Howard Schultz, the Port-o-Cup™ is “the next frontier” in the company’s roasted-earth policy, a beans-to-the-wall marketing approach that has seen Starbucks launch outlets in every conceivable location from hospital emergency rooms to synagogues to day care centers.

Unlike the other eleven thousand Starbucks outlets in the United States, however, the Port-o-Cup™ is not a bricks-and-baristas joint. It borrows instead from the architectural simplicity and mobility of the portable commode.

“The Port-o-Cup™ breaks the mold by bringing coffee to the customer, wherever he or she might be,” said Mr. Schultz, explaining that each Port-o-Cup™ outlet is large enough to accommodate one barista, who will take and fill orders through a small window in the Port-o-Cup™.

Phil Maggitti, editor in briefs of the Pug Bus, told reporters, “Starbucks is betting that the mystery horse will eventually draw the usual crowd of rubberneckers, religious hand jobs, and other nose pickers desperately searching for meaning in their pathetic lives.

"I’m hoping they’re wrong, even though Mr. Schultz did give us an antique Benito Mussolini espresso machine in return for the exclusive coffee-marketing rights on our compound.

Trojan horse or bobtail nag?

“I’ve already met all the people I want to meet—and a whole lot more that I wish I hadn't met—so I can’t get chuffed at the prospect of a thousand barefoot children dancing on the lawn and spilling their lattes all over the fucking grass.”

So far, said Mr. Maggitti, his fears have not materialized. The mystery sculpture, despite it size and its proximity to the sidewalk, has attracted little attention.

“The kids walking to and from south campus pass the goddamn thing every day,” he said, “but they’re too busy talking on their cell phones to notice [the sculpture] even though it stands nearly 70 inches at the withers."