Hillary’s Bitch Elton Is Asshat of the Week
By T.J. Eckleburg

The bride wore garish.

WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Hillary Clinton’s bitch Elton John is the latest recipient of the Postcards from the Pug Bus Asshat of the Week award.

Mr. John—a portly, overbearing, needy, little monstrosity in carnival drag—has long been more famous for his emotional outbursts, compulsive shopping, and substance abuse than for his melodies. (Think Perez Hilton without the self-deprecating charm and sense of humor.)

Not surprisingly Mr. John, a legal resident of the UK, supports Hillary Clinton for president—proof that he is catcher, not pitcher—but his logistical preferences are not what trouble us here. It is the other end of Mr. John’s alimentary canal that brings him to our attention.

At a fundraiser for Ms. Clinton in Madison Square Garden the other night, Mr. John intoned, “I never cease to be amazed at the misogynistic attitude of some people in this country. And I say to hell with them.”

Right-o, you stupid hair plug. Anyone who doesn’t vote for Hillary is a misogynist. How’s that for trenchant political analysis? Why don’t you put a sock in it, or a dick, and leave the political commentary to persons of any race, creed, or sexual preference who have access to a brain?

Ms. Clinton, who attended the concert with her husband, Festus, and their daughter, Lassie, wasted no time in likening herself to the title of Mr. John’s song “I’m Still Standing.”

There are, however, at least two other Elton John songs that describe her more accurately: “The Bitch Is Back” and “I Am Your Robot.”