Sarah Palin Suspends Campaign, Cancels Debate
By Phil Maggitti

Sarah Palin during the talent portion of the Miss Wasilla VFW Club competition 1984.

SEDONA, Arizona – Republican vice presidential nominee, Sarah Palin, announced last night that “because of this darn economic thing and, you know, all kinds of other crazy stuff goin’ on,” she is suspending her campaign immediately—and bowing out of tomorrow night’s debate with Joe Biden—to return to Alaska, “for breast awareness month.”

Her running mate, John McCain, applauded her decision.

“That’s what true patriots do in a time of crisis. They put country first and rush back to Washington to save the economy like I did last week.”

When a staffer told Mr. McCain that Mrs. Palin wasn’t going to Washington, his face turned crimson and the bulge in his left cheek began pulsing ominously.

“That loser,” he growled. “Good riddance to her, my friends. You wouldn’t believe how many times I caught her breast feeding that retarded son of hers or text messaging her knocked-up daughter instead of preparing for the debate. A true patriot would have shown some sack and taken on that old gasbag [Joe Biden].”

Unlike Senator McCain, many conservative Republicans cheered Mrs. Palin’s departure. Speaking anonymously, one Republican operative told MSNBC News, “My fifth grade daughter’s got a better grasp of American history than that bimbo. John had better swallow his pride and put Mitt Romney on the ticket.”

Democrats, predictably, jeered Mrs. Palin.

“I guess she’s got to go home because Putin raised his head again,” laughed DNC chair, Howard Dean. “’Putin’ must be her pet name for her husband’s [penis].”

Another high-ranking Democratic official, speaking on condition of anonymity, told Postcards from the Pug Bus, “Our mole inside the McCain campaign reported that Sarah Palin was having so much trouble absorbing all the material being thrown at her by her handlers, she started having panic attacks. Even after Cindy McCain had loaned her one of John’s Depends, she still kept freaking out. That’s why they had to hold the mock debates outdoors.”

Apparently, that maneuver didn’t help. When she was asked if she had any concerns about John McCain’s age and health problems, Mrs. Palin replied, “Ya know, we got a sayin’ back in Alaska, ‘It ain’t the size of the moose that matters; it’s the size of his testicles’; and nobody's got a bigger set than John McCain. When he was bein’ held prisoner in the Hilton hotel and eatin’ his own fiscal material, Barack Obama was still pretendin’ his name was Barry ‘cause he didn’t want people to know he’s a Muslim.”