Proposition 8 Could Make California a Haven for Gay Couples
By Buckner Wheat

SACRAMENTO, Calif. - The approval of Proposition 8, the so-called gay marriage ban, in California has turned the Golden State into a haven for gay couples. Thousands of same-sex partners from across the United States and Canada are pouring into California, seeking refuge from the pitfalls of heterosexual-style marriage.

With the majority of heterosexual marriages ending in divorce, especially among the Hollywood elite, Californians who backed Proposition 8 apparently felt the need to protect their gay fellow citizens from the chilling odds of having to endure similarly painful and degrading marriage outcomes.

Divorce rates among heterosexuals in California, 5.1 per 1,000 marriages, were among the highest in the United States in 2007, according to the U.S. Census Bureau. In fact, the heterosexual divorce rate in California was 72 percent higher than the national average and nearly six times higher than that of Massachusetts.

"The majority of children in my state come from broken homes, which I find appalling," said California governor Arnold Schwarzenegger in a recent interview; "but Proposition 8 made me realize that the majority of heterosexual Californians want to protect our gay citizens from the social and monetary damages caused by heterosexual-style marriages."

Mayra Robertson-Jang, a wedding consultant in Los Angeles, is also relieved by the new amendment.

"I've been in this business for twenty-seven years, and weddings nowadays are getting weirder by the minute," said Robertson-Jang, recalling a recent beach wedding in which Enya's Amarantine was played for the wedding march—and the bride insisted on wearing the same cocktail dress worn by Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman.

"The mother of the bride had just been released from an eating-disorder rehab, and she arrived with a feeding tube up her nose. It really makes you wonder if there is a god."

Robertson-Jang paused, then smiled. "At least part of our society will be safe from this disgusting trend! Let's face it, no one enjoys going to weddings except the brides. These narcissistic daddy's girls insist on weddings that resemble an honor-yourself beauty pageant, so they end up putting both families into debt and getting divorced within a year. At least gay Californians won't be in danger of incurring such god-awful resentment from their families!"

Helen Osmond-Jeffs, a long-time music director at the Westwood Mormon Temple observed: "I've provided music for hundreds of weddings, and you just wouldn't believe the stuff some people want me to play!"

Osmond-Jeffs remembers one bride who wanted the tabernacle choir to perform Gretchen Wilson's Redneck Woman while the bride's and groom's mothers were being seated.

"Now that Proposition 8 has been passed, five-to-eight percent of our congregation won't be making requests like that," said Osmond-Jeffs. "I just wish more of our congregation were gay."

The temple's pastor, Reverend Warner Jeffs, agreed.

"Back in the 1950s weddings were really dignified. Now you never know what to expect. In one wedding last week the ring bearer and flower girl were the couple's own children—from their seventh and ninth marriages—and the damn bride wore white! You bet I voted to keep the 'sanctity' of marriage in California.

Dan Henderson and his partner, David, recently made their way to California from Boston, where gay marriages are legal.

"Gay weddings back there were becoming such a cliche," said Mr. Henderson to a reporter at the Napa Valley Raw Food Festival.

"If I had heard the theme from Brokeback Mountain at one more wedding, I would have just screamed. I knew I couldn't take it anymore.

"It's such a relief now that we've made it to Sausalito," said Henderson with tears welling in his eyes while grasping his partner's hand. "We'll be safe here."