Obama Nominates Paris Hilton as Ambassador to Saks Fifth Avenue
By Kare Heidel

Paris Hilton is expected to "stand up" for the little guy in President Obama's campaign to open the borders of Saks Fifth Avenue.

WASHINGTON, D.C. - In one of his most daring acts since he was installed as president, Barack Obama announced today that he was nominating hotel heiress Paris Hilton for the newly created post of Ambassador to Saks Fifth Avenue.

Traditionally, the borders of this exclusive, high-end retailer have been closed to any but the wealthiest of international visitors.

"We are proud to offer Ms. Hilton as our choice for Ambassador to Saks Fifth Avenue,” said President Obama. “As you know, many fine, ordinary Americans have been summarily escorted from Saks by brutal guards at the behest of the present leadership; and those who do manage to find their way in are subject to withering glances from condescending sales associates."

Mr. Obama went on to say that Ms. Hilton's fluency in Saks, as well as her "unwavering commitment to fashion" made her "a tireless envoy, one superbly qualified to enter, and someday open, the closed world of high-end fashion to all Americans."

Ms. Hilton is expected to pass Senate confirmation without much resistance. Senate leader Harry Reid has already expressed his enthusiastic support: "Ms. Hilton represents our best hope that average Americans may someday cross the borders of Saks with their heads held high and without fear of expulsion."

Senator Reid did admit, however, that even if ordinary Americans were allowed free access to the precincts of Saks Fifth Avenue, "there's not much they could offord on a modest budget.

"I'm hoping that Ms. Hilton can negotiate future sales treaties with our friends at Saks," the senator continued. "It's a lofty dream, but I believe the day will come when every American will be able to purchase at Saks, if not a pair of Jimmy Choos or Manolo Blahniks, at least a pair of socks or a thong without needing government assistance."

Ms. Hilton was not immediately available for comment, but an inside source told reporters that she had responded in style to the news of her nomination, downing six body shots of Grey Goose from the navel of Tara Reid at L.A.'s Club Bardot, then stripping to the waist and doing an energetic limbo.