Detroit Automobile Slump Cited for Drop in Autoeroticism
By Phil Maggitti

Rene LeCock, now retired, photographed at a picnic with one of his "vintage babies."

DETROIT – Plummeting sales of domestic automobiles are being blamed for the recent drop in reported cases of autoeroticism. Once the guilty pleasure of hardcore sexual deviants, autoeroticism—the act of sexual congress with the tail pipe of an automobile—had begun to make significant mainstream inroads thanks to the scene in Jackass 2 in which Dev-O gets busy with a Ford Explorer in the parking lot of Philadelphia's Lincoln Financial Field prior to an Eagles game.

“We started averaging two or three cases of lacerated penises at every home game after Jackass 2 came out in September 2006,” said Richard Farnsworth, M.D., chief of the emergency ward at Philadelphia’s Frank Rizzo Memorial Hospital.

“This past season, however, even with the Eagles making a last-minute playoff run, incidents of lacerated penis didn’t average one per game.”

Dr. Farnsworth and other autoeroticism experts thought the boy-meets-tailpipe scene in Jackass 2, coupled with the popularity of SUVs, would lead to an epidemic spurt in autoerotic behavior among males in the eighteen-to-twenty-five age group, who make up 95 percent of the Jackass audience.

As domestic auto sales shrank—and endless rows of SUVs sat on car dealers’ lots like unrequited lovers—the number of reported cases of autoeroticism fell also.

“Most macho guys wouldn’t be caught dead driving a foreign car, let alone boinking one,” explained Dr. Farnsworth. “In addition, automobile tailpipes are at their most attractive when they are new—all squeaky clean, glistening, and tight. Most guys tire of a tailpipe after it gets all loose and funky looking. Therefore, autoeroticism needs steady SUV sales in order to flourish.”

According to legend, autoeroticism was born in the early 1990s in Montreal when Rene LeCock, a gay airline attendant, dropped to his knees on a dare and had his way with the exhaust pipe of a BMW 850i in the remote-parking section of the Dorval airport.

The practice was slow to catch on until Jackass 2—and until a videotape of R. Kelly having sex with his Cadillac Escalade in the Hoops Gym parking lot in Chicago began making the rounds on the Internet in early 2007. Mr. Kelly, whose sexual appetites are legendary, had upped the ante by leaving the motor of his Escalade running while he filmed himself taming the pulsating beast.

According to one Chicago area auto-banger, “Leaving the motor running increases suction and heat, not to mention your pleasure, like nothing else.”