Gwyneth Paltrow Sucks in Fellatio, the Lost Shakespeare Comedy
By Chip Hilton

PHILADELPHIA – Gwyneth Paltrow’s halting performance in Fellatio, the Lost Shakespeare Comedy, proves that Aristotle knew what he was talking about when he said, “One swallow does not make a summer.”

Ms. Paltrow, 36, who won an Oscar for her portrayal of Viola de Lesseps in 1998’s Shakespeare in Love, is in way over her head in this bawdy sequel to that classic.

When last we saw William Shakespeare and Viola de Lesseps, they were parting in sweet sorrow at the end of Shakespeare in Love, despite their deep, loin-searing affection for each other. Shakespeare was forced to return, codpiece in hand, to his alcoholic wife, from whom he had been separated, while Lady Viola was obliged to set sail for the Virginia colony with her new husband, the geeky Lord Wessex, whom she had acquired in a marriage arranged by her father.

"Fellatio will blow you away."

Emotionally spent and beginning to fear that his writing may descend into a welter of clichés, William S. decides to mock his love for Lady Viola by making her the main character of a ribald new comedy called Fellatio, in which she attempts to give Lord Wessex grounds for an annulment by fellating the entire crew of the HMS Ramrod, the ship taking her and Lord Wessex to America.

Trouble is, Lady Viola flat out gives bad head, and the crew members become suddenly preoccupied with shining belt buckles whenever she tries to get cozy with them. Her tentative, hand-to-mouth performances with various crew members’ members—and her squeamishness about money shots—turn what could have been a high-spirited romp into a ham-fisted tour de farce. Indeed, from the timid way Lady Viola approaches a knob, you would think it was going to bite her.

Gwyneth Paltrow on the set of Fellatio, the Lost Shakespeare Comedy.

What's more, given Lady Viola’s tight-lipped performances below deck, she is hard to take seriously when she says things like “Unsheathe your manly scepter, my lad, and I will make it crow like a cock ‘til morning.”

At the risk of spoiling the ending of Fellatio, the Lost Shakespeare Comedy, we are duty-bound to report that Lady Viola’s scheme goes pear shaped when she wakes up one night and sees Lord Wessex slipping out of their cabin in one of her robes. She follows him, and much to her surprise she sees him knock on the door of a young cabin boy named Yardarm John.