God Slaps NFL Players with Dire Warning
By Phil Maggitti

"Do you think this mustache makes me look like a dweeb?".

HEAVEN – God issued a dire warning yesterday to football players who point to the sky after making a play. In an e-mail sent to sports desks around the country the supreme referee declared: “I will not be mocked by these strutting, vainglorious popinjays who imply that their success is down to the fact that they’re on a first-name basis with me. If you want to know the truth, I still need a scorecard to tell the players apart.”

Declaring that “this pointing situation is getting out of hand," god observed, "It used to be that players pointed north after scoring a touchdown or kicking a field goal, but some gee-golly types are even pointing toward the sky after making a first down."

God allowed that he was aware of the idea that “these jocks” are trying to redirect all glory to him rather than themselves, “but really,” he asked, “after creating the Grand Canyon, how much more glory do I need?

"How is my glory going to be increased in any meaningful way by David Akers’ kicking a 42-yard-field goal for the Eagles? Do you know how many forty-two-yard field goals it would take to fill the Grand Canyon. Gimme a break, for Christ’s sake.”

And all this time we thought it was Campbell's soup that kept Donovan going.

God explained that he had singled out NFL players for censure because basketball players—apart from the ones who pray before shooting free throws—don't make a big deal out of public displays of thanksgiving. As for baseball, "Frankly, I don't know what goes on there," god admitted, "because I don't watch baseball that much."

God closed by saying that he was prepared to make public the church attendance records of persons who continue to “name check me” despite this warning.

Niles Dickinson, president of the recently formed Committee for the Separation of Church and Sports, hailed God’s warning as “a step in the right direction, but what we really need is for the NFL rules committee to call pointing to the sky for what it is—taunting and excessive celebration."