Kevin Smith Put on No-Fly List for Posing a Threat to Gravity
By Phil Maggitti

"Excuse me, are these seats taken?"

SCHAUMBURG, Ill. - Director Kevin Smith, who was asked to decamp from a Southwest Airlines Oakland-to-Burbank flight recently because he could not fit into one seat, has been added to The American Society for the Conservation of Gravity's (ASCG) no-fly list.

The obscure but influential watchdog group issued the following statement from its one-story headquarters in Schaumburg, Illinois, yesterday:

"Flagrant consumers of gravity such as Mr. Smith—no matter how many seats they purchase or occupy on a flight—are a clear and present danger to this country's dwindling gravity supply, especially if they are allowed to move about the cabin. Therefore, we have placed Mr. Smith on our no-fly list and respectfully suggest that he take the bus next time."

Kevin Smith, 39, is not the first celebrity to be grounded by ASCG. A source close to the group told Postcards from the Pug Bus that Kirstie Alley, Aretha Franklin, Andy Reid, Rex Ryan, and the entire Kardashian family are also categorized as frequent nonflyers.

ASCG, which gained noteriety last year with its campaign against vertical food presentation, was founded in March 1980 by Darwin Crum, who was the first person to warn Americans about the gravity-wasting effects of elevators, yo-yos, pop-up toasters, and women who do not wear bras.

The group's website, which does not use Flash technology because of the strain it puts on gravity, is located at www.conservegravity.org.