Jennifer Aniston's Retarded Names for Her New Fragrance
By Chip Hilton

WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Jennifer Aniston will launch her first branded perfume any second now. The super scent has been nearly two years in the making. Countless beavers, deer, and sperm whales have been sacrificed for the cause. Acres of parsely, sage, rosemary, and thyme have been harvested, crushed, and boiled in a huge cauldron. The only ingredient missing is a name.

Ms. Aniston wanted to call the fragrance "Aniston," but ad executives reacted to that suggestion as though it was a bad odor. Ditto for her second choice, "Echo."

"Those are two of the dumbest names ever," said one ad exec who did not wish to be identified. "We could have marketed this fragrance in time for Christmas if she had only settled on a decent name."

As bad as "Aniston" and "Echo" are, Mrs. Aniston's other choices make them sound like Pulitzer Prize candidates. To wit:

. . . High Maintenance

. . . RomCom Grrl

. . . Pillar to Post

. . . No Stretch Marks on Me

. . . Pussy Galore

. . . Invincible

. . . Oscar Mayer

. . . Taint Misbehavin'

. . . Woman of a Certain Age

. . . Pitt Stop