Courtesy of Postcards
AVMA Promotes Medical Marijuana for Pets
By Chip Hilton
SCHAUMBURG, Ill. - According to the American Veterinary Medical Association (AVMA), nearly 52 percent of the students who graduate from veterinary schools in 2011 will earn less than $39,000 in their first full year of employment. The AVMA would like to see that figure grow, and it thinks it has the fertilizer for the job: legalization of medical marijuana for pets.
"The potential for income-stream maximization is awesome," said AVMA president Jennifer Cagna, DVM. "The more veterinary practices that offer medical marijuana, the more money veterinarians will earn."
Medical marijuana for humans is currently prescribed to alleviate the nausea and vomiting that accompany many disease conditions and their treatments. It is also used to stimulate hunger in chemotherapy and AIDS patients, to lower intraocular eye pressure in those suffering from glaucoma, to aid the hearing-impaired by increasing their ability to perceive words more clearly in social situations, and to promote a sense of well-being among persons with persistent depression.
"Our pets are afflicted with similar conditions," said Dr. Cagna, "and they can enjoy the same benefits from the use of marijuana that humans currently do." She added that administering medical marijuana to pets is not really that different from sitting around getting the cat stoned.
"We realize that a certain percentage of our clients smoke pot, so they're already comfortable with the notion of blowing smoke in kitty's face. That's a ready-made market to which we have the inside track. All we have to do is offer our clients lower prices and promote the added value of legality when you buy from a veterinarian."
The AVMA has not neglected pet owners who do not smoke pot. "We can offer our non-smoking clients the AVMA's patented Medical Marijuana Delivery System for Pets (MMDSP)," said Dr. Cagna.
About the size of a vaporizer for humans, the MMDSP is designed for use in an enclosed space such as a powder room or walk-in closet. After placing the cat in the powder room—and the recommended amount of marijuana in the MMDSP's combustion chamber—the pet owner closes the door to the room and activates the MMDSP by remote control. After the unit delivers the the smoke from the marijuana burned in its chamber, the unit turns itself off.
Dr. Cagna estimated that the MMDSP will retail for "about $149.95," depending on location. It can be purchased individually or bundled with an electronic air-freshening unit."
ŠThe fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional.
Be advised to believe half of what you see and nothing of what you read. You must have a mental age no greater than eighteen to enjoy this shite.