Senior Sex Study Shows Nana and Papa Still Getting It On
By Ted Gay

(ROOTERS) - A recent study shows that elderly people are as sexually active, if not more so, than their children. Seniors happily reported participating in vaginal intercourse, oral sex, and masturbation despite their advanced age.

The results of the study are especially surprising given the sexual mores of the elder generation.

“Now that I’m already blind, what the hell do I care if I masturbate!” said Tom Dylan, 76, of Seattle.

Jane Stacy, a ninety-four-year-old paraplegic who is cared for by her husband, Van, said that their love life was sparked after she showered and he placed her in her chair to dry and fell face down in her twat.

“I said, ‘as long as you’re down there, Van, tend to the clitoris,’ which I was most happy to say he did,” Jane said.

When he was asked what Jane tasted like, Van shrugged his shoulders and said, “Depends.”

Peter Roth of Detroit began to have sexual relations with his wife of fifty-four years when he was ordered to exercise.

“Beats walking,” he said.

Dr. Bruce Taylor of the Center for Erectile Dysfunction said that persons in their fifties are often shocked to learn that their parents are still rogering, or dad’s doing Aunt Bessie since mom’s passing.

Bruce Young, a steelworker from Pennsylvania, has been hospitalized since finding his eighty-year-old parents buck-naked and in his bed in the sixty-seven position. His mother said that since her hip operation she can’t make it to sixty-nine.

Over 50 percent of elderly women between the ages of fifty-seven and seventy-five say they still masturbate. Those that don’t say it’s because they can never find the batteries.

Among those elderly persons who suffer from sexual dysfunction, 11 percent said vaginal lubrication was a problem; 11 percent complained of an inability to climax; 24 percent cited erectile dysfunction; and 54 percent blamed their problems on the fact that they were having sex with someone ninety-two years old.