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Post Office Will Issue Trayvon Martin Stamp

Your Horoscope
Week of July 21
(Ramp Accessible)
Born this week you might be a Cancer, you might be a Leo, or you might experience a disconcerting growth spurt in one of your vestigial organs. No matter, your chances for a normal life are better than Rory Culkin's, 24, or Conor Kennedy's, 18, both of whom have birthdays this week.
Mr. Culkin will eventually take his own life after he can no longer stand being mistaken for his brothers Kieran, Macauley, and Nostrodomus. Mr. Kennedy, aside from being saddled with a tragically cliched first name, must also fight the ravages of the industrial-strength STD he caught from Taylor Swift.


Cancer (June 22–July 22) Your financial prospects are so wretched you can only afford the new Vin Disel Fast & Furious grill on a time-sharing arrangement with a family that's overly fond of road-kill. Later in the month a fifteen-pound newborn canary named Junior will escape from his cage and imprint on you.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) Car A leaves Hollywood at 9:00 a.m. on Monday. Car B leaves Bangor, Maine, at the same moment. Car A, which has a 15-gallon gas tank and averages 19.6 miles per gallon, is driving east. Car B, which has a 17.5-gallon tank and averages 18.9 miles per gallon, is driving west. After three days, what color is car B?

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct.23) Like most Librans you are a sniveling complainer, unable to get your mind around the fact that we are all responsible for our own karma. Perhaps the mess that is your present life is but your last request from a previous existence. Try to discover why you were executed in that existence and what your first requests were.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Npv. 21) According to the George Zimmerman Random Actuarial Profiler, where "10" equals "dead-bolt cinch" and "0" equals "dead in the street," your critical numbers for this week are: communicable disease, 8; grace under fire, 3; plays well with others, 1; inappropriate response 9; cannot recommend for advancement, 8.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) Sagittarians are ruled by the buttocks, the seat of all power. Their gemstone is porcelain, their favorite time of day is right after meals, and they prize regularity above all other virtues.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Capricorns suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with one's own company. If you hanker to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. If you don't like who you are, become somebody else. There are companies that advertise in the backs of magazines that will help you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Your life is a run-on sentence that is out of control and greatly in need of editing. Learn to appreciate the nuances of subordinate clauses and the hierarchical conjunctions that exist among colons, semicolons, commas, and em dashes.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Ever the cynic you have no trouble believing it isn't butter; that some minds would not be a terrible thing to waste; and that maybe you don't deserve a break today. You also have a highly developed sense of irony, which leads you to walk around muttering "I see living people" in a tiny, traumatized voice.

Aries (March 21–April 19) If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, does that mean your friend's friend is your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don't make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a foreign-sounding man who breathes heavily into the phone and identifies himself as a friend of a friend.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) Your sun is in Leo, which could mean trouble because it's supposed to be in Albuquerque. Leo's son, meanwhile, has just confessed his love for his stepmother, who is being blackmailed by a mysterious man named Kurt.Pictures at 11:00.

Gemini (May 21–June 21) After a twelve-course Chinese dinner, you switch fortune cookies with the person next to you when she isn't looking. When she opens "her" cookie, she grins happily. Several weeks later you learn that she has won several $8 million in the lottery. Meanwhile, the cookie that you opened said, "That wasn't really pork."


The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
Visit The Grammar Prick
Postcards the Book
The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
Sample chapters . . . 1 2

Post Office Will Issue Trayvon Martin Stamp
Jul 16, 2013 - 8:39:00 AM
an image
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Trayvon Martin, whose only crime was winning a fight, will be a winner in death thanks to the United States Postal Service, which will issue a Trayvon Martin commemorative stamp on September 1.

The handsome stamp, bearing the iconic likeness of Mr. Martin dressed in a hoodie, will be introduced at a special ceremony to be held at the Winn-Dixie in Sanford, Florida, where Mr. Martin purchased a large bag of Skittles® and a 32-ounce pineapple soda the night that he was stalked and ultimately murdered by George Zimmerman.

"If I had a son who had been murdered and was commemorated on a stamp, he'd look like Trayvon," said President Barack Obama at a news conference in the White House Rose Garden yesterday.

Postal service chief of staff, C. Randall Disher, also spoke at the ceremony.

"As soon as George Zimmerman was set free last Saturday night, we started receiving emails from people looking for a way to honor Trayvon's memory," said Mr. Disher.

Noting that the Post Office was "not unacquainted with senseless shootings," Mr. Disher revealed that the Trayvon Martin stamp was designed by Shepard Fairey, who also designed the Barack Obama hope poster used in Mr. Obama's first successful bid for the White House.

"We couldn't think of a better person to design a stamp in honor of someone who would look like President Obama if he were still lving," said Mr. Disher, noting that tickets to the stamp-introduction ceremony at the Winn-Dixie would go on sale through Jay-Z-Master Tickets on August 4.

Reaction to the Postal Office's announcement was gleeful, but measured.

"I'm gonna stop and say a prayer of thanks as soon as I loot me a Korean grocery store," said Latrell Jamal of Compton, California.

"It's about damn time," said civil rights activist and television personality Al Sharpton. "This should have been done ages ago. Black people can't even get no damn stamp justice in this country. As soon as I get back from a We Are All Trayvon rally in Brentwood, California, I'm gonna organize a protest in front of the Post Office in Washington."

In other Trayvon Martin news: Baby Mamas 'R' Us is reporting a spike in the popularity of Trayvon as a first name for children born to unwed back mothers during the month of June. Trayvon also placed a surprising fourth among surnames chosen for children born to black unwed mothers who weren't sure of their babies' paternity.

In still other Trayvon Martin news: lesbian and talk show host Ellen Degeneres announced yesterday that she was going to adopt a dog, name it Trayvon, and then give it away without informing the shelter where she got the dog.

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Be sure to check the Pug Bus—your All Trayvon All the Time news outlet—for additional Trayvon Martin news as it happens.


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