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Your Horoscope
Week of July 21
(Ramp Accessible)
Born this week you might be a Cancer, you might be a Leo, or you might experience a disconcerting growth spurt in one of your vestigial organs. No matter, your chances for a normal life are better than Rory Culkin's, 24, or Conor Kennedy's, 18, both of whom have birthdays this week.
Mr. Culkin will eventually take his own life after he can no longer stand being mistaken for his brothers Kieran, Macauley, and Nostrodomus. Mr. Kennedy, aside from being saddled with a tragically cliched first name, must also fight the ravages of the industrial-strength STD he caught from Taylor Swift.


Cancer (June 22–July 22) Your financial prospects are so wretched you can only afford the new Vin Disel Fast & Furious grill on a time-sharing arrangement with a family that's overly fond of road-kill. Later in the month a fifteen-pound newborn canary named Junior will escape from his cage and imprint on you.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) Car A leaves Hollywood at 9:00 a.m. on Monday. Car B leaves Bangor, Maine, at the same moment. Car A, which has a 15-gallon gas tank and averages 19.6 miles per gallon, is driving east. Car B, which has a 17.5-gallon tank and averages 18.9 miles per gallon, is driving west. After three days, what color is car B?

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct.23) Like most Librans you are a sniveling complainer, unable to get your mind around the fact that we are all responsible for our own karma. Perhaps the mess that is your present life is but your last request from a previous existence. Try to discover why you were executed in that existence and what your first requests were.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Npv. 21) According to the George Zimmerman Random Actuarial Profiler, where "10" equals "dead-bolt cinch" and "0" equals "dead in the street," your critical numbers for this week are: communicable disease, 8; grace under fire, 3; plays well with others, 1; inappropriate response 9; cannot recommend for advancement, 8.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) Sagittarians are ruled by the buttocks, the seat of all power. Their gemstone is porcelain, their favorite time of day is right after meals, and they prize regularity above all other virtues.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Capricorns suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with one's own company. If you hanker to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. If you don't like who you are, become somebody else. There are companies that advertise in the backs of magazines that will help you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Your life is a run-on sentence that is out of control and greatly in need of editing. Learn to appreciate the nuances of subordinate clauses and the hierarchical conjunctions that exist among colons, semicolons, commas, and em dashes.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Ever the cynic you have no trouble believing it isn't butter; that some minds would not be a terrible thing to waste; and that maybe you don't deserve a break today. You also have a highly developed sense of irony, which leads you to walk around muttering "I see living people" in a tiny, traumatized voice.

Aries (March 21–April 19) If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, does that mean your friend's friend is your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don't make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a foreign-sounding man who breathes heavily into the phone and identifies himself as a friend of a friend.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) Your sun is in Leo, which could mean trouble because it's supposed to be in Albuquerque. Leo's son, meanwhile, has just confessed his love for his stepmother, who is being blackmailed by a mysterious man named Kurt.Pictures at 11:00.

Gemini (May 21–June 21) After a twelve-course Chinese dinner, you switch fortune cookies with the person next to you when she isn't looking. When she opens "her" cookie, she grins happily. Several weeks later you learn that she has won several $8 million in the lottery. Meanwhile, the cookie that you opened said, "That wasn't really pork."


The Grammar Prick
Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
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The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any nightstand.
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Detroit Bankruptcy Blamed on Shift in Autoeroticism Tastes
Jul 19, 2013 - 11:53:00 AM
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DETROIT - The city of Detroit's recent bankruptcy filing is owed in no small part to shifts in tastes among devotees of autoeroticism in the United States. Autoeroticism—the act of sexual congress with the tail pipe of an automobile—enjoyed a sustained spurt of popularity following the September 2006 release of Jackass 2, in which Dev-O gets busy with a Ford Explorer in the parking lot of Philadelphia's Lincoln Financial Field prior to an Eagles game.

"Since then we have averaged multiple cases of lacerated penises at every home game, and so have other teams around the league," said Richard Farnsworth, M.D., chief of the emergency ward at Philadelphia's Frank Rizzo Memorial Hospital. "Those cases—as well as others reported from gun shows, NASCAR events, and countless other venues—virtually all involved American-made SUV's, trucks, and muscle cars until recently."

Dr. Farnsworth and other autoeroticism experts thought the boy-meets-tailpipe scene in Jackass 2, coupled with the popularity of SUVs and President Obama's auto-industry bailout, would lead to rock hard economic prosperity for Detroit.

Such was not the case. Roughly two seasons ago Dr. Farmsworth and his team began seeing more cases of autoeroticism involving foreign-made trucks and automobiles.

"For the longest time macho guys wouldn't be caught dead driving a foreign car, let alone boning one," explained Dr. Farnsworth. "Now we're hearing reports of autoeroticism involving small-size Toyota trucks, Honda Civics, and even used Miatas.

Dr. Farnsworth pointed to a number of reasons for the shift from American cars to foreign models.

"Concerns about global warming might lead to an increased preference for foreign-made cars with better gas mileage. The devastating tailpipe recall by Chrysler last year. The acceptance of gay marriage, which freed men to be more open about their choice in cars."

According to legend, autoeroticism was born in the early 1990s in Montreal when Rene LeCock, a gay airline attendant, dropped to his knees on a dare and had his way with the exhaust pipe of a Chevy El Camino in the remote-parking section of the Dorval airport.

The practice was slow to catch on until clips from Jackass 2—and a videotape of R. Kelly having sex with his Cadillac Escalade in the Hoops Gym parking lot in Chicago— began making the rounds on the Internet in early 2007. Mr. Kelly, whose sexual appetites are legendary, had upped the ante by leaving the motor of his Escalade running while he filmed himself taming the pulsating beast.

"Yo, leaving the motor running increases suction and heat, not to mention your get-off, like nothing else," said Mr. Kelly.

Robert Newsome, chief economic advisor for the city of Detroit, called for a return to patriotism and family values as a means of pulling Detroit up by its seat belts.

"Detroit produces automobiles that any man would be proud to drive his family to church in on Sunday, or to take down to the local VFW for a little fun with the guys on a Wednesday night. You just can get the same thrill from a little pussy hybrid."

In other news, Dr. Phil observed that cars are still "the ultimate penis extension. It's not surprising that guys who love their SUVs often find vaginal intercourse unsatisfying. Besides, they fear ridicule and rejection if they want to sit in their vehicles and listen to CDs after having sex with a woman."


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