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Your Horoscope
Week of July 21
(Ramp Accessible)
Born this week you might be a Cancer, you might be a Leo, or you might experience a disconcerting growth spurt in one of your vestigial organs. No matter, your chances for a normal life are better than Rory Culkin's, 24, or Conor Kennedy's, 18, both of whom have birthdays this week.
Mr. Culkin will eventually take his own life after he can no longer stand being mistaken for his brothers Kieran, Macauley, and Nostrodomus. Mr. Kennedy, aside from being saddled with a tragically cliched first name, must also fight the ravages of the industrial-strength STD he caught from Taylor Swift.


Cancer (June 22–July 22) Your financial prospects are so wretched you can only afford the new Vin Disel Fast & Furious grill on a time-sharing arrangement with a family that's overly fond of road-kill. Later in the month a fifteen-pound newborn canary named Junior will escape from his cage and imprint on you.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22) Your sex life is a shareware program about to expire. One-size-fits-all gloves don't come in your size. If dreams took human form, yours would be wearing toe tags.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22) Car A leaves Hollywood at 9:00 a.m. on Monday. Car B leaves Bangor, Maine, at the same moment. Car A, which has a 15-gallon gas tank and averages 19.6 miles per gallon, is driving east. Car B, which has a 17.5-gallon tank and averages 18.9 miles per gallon, is driving west. After three days, what color is car B?

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct.23) Like most Librans you are a sniveling complainer, unable to get your mind around the fact that we are all responsible for our own karma. Perhaps the mess that is your present life is but your last request from a previous existence. Try to discover why you were executed in that existence and what your first requests were.

Scorpio (Oct. 24–Npv. 21) According to the George Zimmerman Random Actuarial Profiler, where "10" equals "dead-bolt cinch" and "0" equals "dead in the street," your critical numbers for this week are: communicable disease, 8; grace under fire, 3; plays well with others, 1; inappropriate response 9; cannot recommend for advancement, 8.

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21) Sagittarians are ruled by the buttocks, the seat of all power. Their gemstone is porcelain, their favorite time of day is right after meals, and they prize regularity above all other virtues.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan. 19) Capricorns suffer from automonosis—the tendency to become bored with one's own company. If you hanker to get away from yourself, here's a tip: you don't have to die in order to be reincarnated. If you don't like who you are, become somebody else. There are companies that advertise in the backs of magazines that will help you.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18) Your life is a run-on sentence that is out of control and greatly in need of editing. Learn to appreciate the nuances of subordinate clauses and the hierarchical conjunctions that exist among colons, semicolons, commas, and em dashes.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20) Ever the cynic you have no trouble believing it isn't butter; that some minds would not be a terrible thing to waste; and that maybe you don't deserve a break today. You also have a highly developed sense of irony, which leads you to walk around muttering "I see living people" in a tiny, traumatized voice.

Aries (March 21–April 19) If the enemy of your enemy is your friend, does that mean your friend's friend is your enemy? Or are you simply being paranoid? Don't make any decisions unless you begin getting calls from a foreign-sounding man who breathes heavily into the phone and identifies himself as a friend of a friend.

Taurus (April 20–May 20) Your sun is in Leo, which could mean trouble because it's supposed to be in Albuquerque. Leo's son, meanwhile, has just confessed his love for his stepmother, who is being blackmailed by a mysterious man named Kurt.Pictures at 11:00.

Gemini (May 21–June 21) After a twelve-course Chinese dinner, you switch fortune cookies with the person next to you when she isn't looking. When she opens "her" cookie, she grins happily. Several weeks later you learn that she has won several $8 million in the lottery. Meanwhile, the cookie that you opened said, "That wasn't really pork."


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George Zimmerman Rescue Effort Criticized
Jul 23, 2013 - 9:35
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SANFORD, Fla.–George Zimmerman, recently acquitted of sixteen charges brought against him in the shooting death of an unarmed black youth, is now being criticized for fraudulent heroism.

Six days ago Mr. Zimmerman, 29, helped to rescue a family of four trapped in a burning, overturned SUV, according to ABC News.

Although national reports of the rescue have been slow and sketchy, Sanford Police Department Captain Jim McAuliffe told ABC News that Mr. Zimmerman was one of two men who had helped a man, his wife, and their two children trapped inside their blue Ford Explorer at the intersection of I-4 and Route 417 in Florida.

Sean Vincent, a spokesman for Zimmerman's legal team, told the New York Daily News, which covered the story on page 18 of today's edition, that Mr. Zimmerman was driving when he saw the overturned vehicle and pulled over to help.

"George was able to help the family get out of the car before the first responders got there."

A spokeswoman for ABC News explained their delay in reporting on this incident.

"We had to make sure that Mr. Zimmerman did, indeed, play a role in the family's rescue. The media has an obligation not to rush to judgment in matters like these."

Sources ranging all the way to the White House have commented on Mr. Zimmerman's acquittal, but he has maintained silence all the while. One rumor even said that Mr. Zimmerman had applied to change his name legally to George Z. Before taking part in the rescue, he had not been seen in public for nearly a week.

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"It's not about me," Mr. Zimmerman said before leaving the scene of the rescue. "Our nation needs time to grieve properly over the death of that young man whom I shot in self-defense."

Given the hyperventilated responses to Mr. Zimmerman's acquittal, it is perhaps not surprising that some observers were critical of his rescue effort.

"Creepy-ass cracker probably stalked the family in their vehicle," said MCNBS personality Al Sharpton. "I wouldn't put it past him to stage the entire rescue. I guess he's gonna be a neighborhood fire watch captain now. You know how those damn people like to start fires."

Newspaper columnist Eugene Robinson, a frequent guest on MSNBC, said that Zimmerman "needs to be careful about approaching overturned, burning vehicles with people trapped inside. Given the fact that he has killed once, he might have frightened those innocent people to death if they were black, which I hope they weren't."

Attorney General Eric Holder said that despite his "allegedly" heroic deed, Mr. Zimmerman should "still sleep with one eye open. Our department is hoping to bring twenty-five civil charges against this murderer. We also have reason to believe he has been fishing with an expired license. He could do serious time for that."

Finally, President Obama, when he was asked to comment on this event, replied, "That could have been me in that SUV."


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