Your Daily Horoscope (Ramp Accessible)
You will have a strange dream in which you see a giant field of sunflowers in the distance. As you race toward the field in slow motion, you begin to hear a sound coming from the sunflowers. When you reach the field, you discover that the sunflowers have the faces of The Village People, and they're singing "YMCA."
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Uncle Ted Stevens' Igloo Searched by FBI
MOOSEBAUGH, Alaska – Uncle Ted Stevens’ palatial glass-and-steel igloo in the upscale ice fishing resort of Gillwood was raided earlier this week in a coordinated effort by the Justice Department, the IRS, and the FBI.
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Aug 2, 2007, 09:28
Pat Tillman Was Victim of Bad Karma Choice
PITTSBURGH, Penna. – Army Ranger Pat Tillman was the victim of a bad karma choice, said noted karma expert Sri Edward Boghaven yesterday. The author of Instant Karma: How to Appear Worthy Even When You're Being a Total Dick, Sri Boghaven made this statement in Pittsburgh, where he addressed his followers on the second stop of his nineteen-city arena tour.
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Aug 1, 2007, 09:15
Wal-Mart Pulls All Chinese Toothpaste in United States
BENTONVILLE, Ark. – Wal-Mart will no longer sell Chinese toothpaste in its United States outlets. The global retail giant announced yesterday that it was taking this step as a result of numerous complaints it had received from its American customers.
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Jul 7, 2007, 08:23
President Bush Taps Jessica Simpson for Educational Position
WASHINGTON, D.C. – When President Bush returns to Washington early this week, he is expected to name Jessica Simpson as the face of his newest educational initiative: No Child Left Unpaid.
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Jun 10, 2007, 11:17
Alert Clerk Foils Fort Dix Delivery from Allah
FORT Dix, N.J. - Another alert clerk has foiled an attempt to compromise United States interests at the Fort Dix army base in New Jersey. The clerk, whose name is being withheld at the request of military officials, works at a UPS store in Centerville, Delaware.
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May 9, 2007, 15:50
Fort Dix Conspirators Shipment from Allah Is Intercepted
CENTERVILLE, Del. - A mysterious bearded man calling himself A. Akhbar, but believed to be Allah, attempted to send an unusual shipment from a UPS store in Centerville, Delaware, early this morning.
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May 9, 2007, 10:03
Paris Hilton Fires Publicist, Astrologer, Chef
LOS ANGELES - Paris Hilton has come out swinging after being sentenced to spend forty-five days behind bars. The twenty-six year-old socialite fired her publicist, her astrologer, and her chef yesterday in an apparent effort to prove that she meant what she said when she told a Los Angeles judge, "I'm going to start paying attention to everything from now on."
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May 7, 2007, 08:51
Paris Hilton Begs President Bush for Pardon
LOS ANGELES - A desperate Paris Hilton has faxed a personal request to President George W. Bush, asking him to set aside her jail sentence "for the sake of all the poor, less fortunate people in our country."
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May 6, 2007, 11:18
Microsoft Offers Windows Vista Free to Good Homes
REDMOND, Wash. - Microsoft announced yesterday that it will offer surplus upgrade copies of its newest operating system, Windows Vista, "free to good homes."
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Apr 22, 2007, 10:32
Virginia Tech Gunman Cho Seung-Hui Sent Video to American Idol
NEW YORK - American Idol judge Simon Cowell acknowledged yesterday that Cho Seung-Hui, the Virginia Tech student who killed thirty-two of his fellow students on Monday, had sent an audition tape to the show's headquarters early last week.
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Apr 19, 2007, 10:33
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