The Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 Now is the time to spread your wings, to wax extravagant, to wax that excess body hair, to use the high-price spread and the extra-wide spreader. Don't settle for mushrooms when truffles are available. Be bold, defy convention, defy the odds. Do not, however, attempt to defy gravity. She's not in a pleasant mood this time of year, and she's cranky in anticipation of the demands of increased holiday travel. If you keep it low and slow, you'll rise to new heights.
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Exodus International Touts Turnaround for Homosexual Priests
ORLANDO, Florida - Exodus International, the Christian evangelical fellowship renowned for its success in turning gays and lesbians into “socially useful” heterosexuals, announced yesterday that a group of more than one thousand gay men has turned “effectively heterosexual” as a result of the ex-gay therapy promoted by Exodus.
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Aug 16, 2007, 10:44
Instant Karma Author to Appear at Philadelphia Rally
PHILADELPHIA – Sri Edward Boghaven, author of Instant Karma: How to Appear Worthy Even When You're Being a Total Dick, will address twenty thousand of his followers tonight at a rally scheduled to begin at 7:30 in Philadelphia’s Wachovia Center.
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Jul 23, 2007, 12:16
Pope Benedict XVI Approves Pig Latin Mass
VATICAN CITY – Following months of intense speculation, Pope Benedict XVI announced the elimination of restrictions on the use of Pig Latin in the conduct of the mass, weddings, funerals, and other liturgical proceedings of the Catholic Church.
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Jul 9, 2007, 10:58
Paris Hilton Interview Denied by Jesus
LOS ANGELES – Hoping to preempt Paris Hilton’s sure-to-come assertion that it was her discovery of Jesus Christ, and Mr. Christ’s discovery of her, that got her through those long nights in prison, Mr. Christ has emailed a statement to the Los Angeles Times. The email, from yaweh333@yahoo.com, arrived at the newspaper’s editorial office late yesterday afternoon.
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Jun 23, 2007, 10:04
Paris Hilton Blames Mother for Monks' Mandala Massacre
HOLLYWOOD - Sri Paris Hilton said yesterday that "God will punish" the mother of the little boy who turfed a sand mandala on the floor of the Union Station in Kansas City, Missouri. Ms. Hilton, who has begun calling herself Sri Paris as a consequence of her "recent spiritual experiences," talked with paparazzi outside the Bodhi Tree bookstore.
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May 25, 2007, 10:21
Pope Benedict Links Oral Sex to Throat Cancer, Stuttering
SAO PAULO, Brazil — Pope Benedict XVI warned Latin America's female population that oral sex leads to throat cancer, stuttering, and eternal damnation.
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May 11, 2007, 08:53
Pope Benedict Urges Peace on The Sopranos in Easter Address
VATICAN CITY - Pope Benedict XVI devoted his annual Easter address to a condemnation of the violence on HBO's hit series The Sopranos and to a call for peace among the warring factions on the show, which, coincidentally, aired the first of its final nine episodes last night.
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Apr 9, 2007, 09:27
Chocolate Jesus Penis Stolen, Display Canceled
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NEW YORK — Someone stole the penis from the nude, anatomically correct chocolate sculpture of Jesus Christ that had been scheduled to go on display in New York tomorrow night. The theft was discovered early this morning by a custodian at the Lab Gallery in the Roger Smith Hotel, where the exhibition was to have taken place.
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Apr 1, 2007, 09:34
God Questions Existence of Rainbow Bridge
HEAVEN - Pet owners took one in the shorts from The Lord God Almighty today when He issued a press release in which He questioned the existence of the Rainbow Bridge, a mythical place just this side of heaven where deceased pets are made young and healthy again while they wait for their owners to join them.
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Mar 25, 2007, 11:29
Sarah Silverman Snub Has God Lovers Fuming
NEW YORK - Sarah Silverman has had her last orgasm if God's followers have anything to say about it. Friends of the Big Guy are praying that Ms. Silverman's morning-
after kiss off, seen last week on the season's finale of her Comedy Central show, will come back to bite her on the ass—something she apparently did not want her Heavenly Father doing any longer.
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Mar 14, 2007, 05:52
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