The Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 Now is the time to spread your wings, to wax extravagant, to wax that excess body hair, to use the high-price spread and the extra-wide spreader. Don't settle for mushrooms when truffles are available. Be bold, defy convention, defy the odds. Do not, however, attempt to defy gravity. She's not in a pleasant mood this time of year, and she's cranky in anticipation of the demands of increased holiday travel. If you keep it low and slow, you'll rise to new heights.
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Osama bin Laden Video Launches September 11 Collection
WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Osama Bin Laden has released a popping new video to accompany the launch of his revolutionary September 11 Collection, which hits high-end shopping stalls in Muslim countries on Tuesday, the sixth anniversary of the deadliest attacks on the U.S. fashion industry.
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Sep 8, 2007, 15:21
Madeleine McCann’s Mother Advances to Suspect Round in Quiz Show
PORTIMAO, Portugal – Madeline McCann’s mother, Kate, has advanced to the suspect round in this season’s smash Portuguese television show Did You Kill Your Daughter?.
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Sep 7, 2007, 08:54
Maliki Fights Back, Calls Hillary Clinton an Unelectable Whore
BAGHDAD – Iraqi prime minister, Nouri al-Maliki, called Senator Hillary Clinton “an unelectable whore” yesterday. The obviously annoyed prime minister made this observation during a profane tirade at a press conference in Baghdad's fortified Green Shopping Zone.
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Aug 27, 2007, 08:53
U.S. Blames British Soldiers’ Deaths on Cell Phone Use
KAJAKI, Afghanistan – A United States military commander in Afghanistan said yesterday that three British soldiers killed by “a friendly airstrike” on Thursday would still be alive today if “somebody hadn’t been talking on a cell phone when he shouldn’t have been.”
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Aug 25, 2007, 11:31
McCanns Enlist Stella McCartney to Repair Image
PRAIA DA LUZ, Portugal – The Portuguese press and the residents of this resort community have become more hostile toward Kate and Gerry McCann by the minute. Finally the couple has decided to fight back.
More.
Aug 12, 2007, 14:07
Diana Concert Will Be Followed by Penis Collection Tour
LONDON – Seventy thousand Princess Diana fans who gathered at Wembley Stadium for a memorial concert yesterday exploded into cheers when they learned that the princess’ collection of penis-shaped objects will mount its first public tour this fall.
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Jul 2, 2007, 08:42
Queen Elizabeth 2 Moving to Dubai
DUBAI, United Arab Emirates - Queen Elizabeth 2, the majestic traveler who inspired millions of people around the world during her fifty-five year reign, has been sold to a Dubai-owned company for $100 million.
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Jun 19, 2007, 06:03
Zoellick at World Bank Is Not Just Another Pretty Face
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Robert Zoellick, whom President Bush has nominated to head the World Bank, was chosen largely because “he is not just another pretty face,” said a White House source yesterday.
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May 30, 2007, 07:30
Madeline McCann Parents Begin World Tour with Visit to Pope
LONDON - The parents of Madeline McCann will launch the European leg of their world tour with a visit to Pope Benedict on Wednesday, Mojo magazine announced in the "Scene & Noted" section of its website today (May 28).
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May 28, 2007, 11:56
President Bush Hails Killing of One-Legged Taliban Leader
WASHINGTON, D.C. - President George W. Bush hailed the killing of the Taliban's top one-legged military strategist, Mullah Dadullah, as a "sure sign" the United States "has turned the corner" in the war on handicapped terrorists.
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May 14, 2007, 09:28
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