The Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 Now is the time to spread your wings, to wax extravagant, to wax that excess body hair, to use the high-price spread and the extra-wide spreader. Don't settle for mushrooms when truffles are available. Be bold, defy convention, defy the odds. Do not, however, attempt to defy gravity. She's not in a pleasant mood this time of year, and she's cranky in anticipation of the demands of increased holiday travel. If you keep it low and slow, you'll rise to new heights.
|
 |
Brad Pitt, Katie Holmes, Keith Richards Birthday Quiz
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - Brad Pitt, Katie Holmes, and Keith Richards might seem to be strange birthday bedfellows at first, but as our exclusive quiz reveals, they could have more in common than the same birthday. Then again, they might not. Who gives a shit, anyway?
More.
Dec 17, 2007, 21:54
Porsche Denies Plans to Release Nikki Catsouras Model
ATLANTA – A spokesman for Porsche Cars North America denies that his company has “any plans whatsoever” to introduce a limited edition Nikki Catsouras 911 Carrera model.
More.
Dec 15, 2007, 14:49
Jennifer Love Hewitt Launches Fashion Line for Fat Women
LOS ANGELES – Jennifer Love Hewitt, whose ass has more wrinkles than Mick Jagger’s face, announced on her website yesterday that she’s launching a new line of clothing for oversize women.
More.
Dec 10, 2007, 10:18
Tre Cool, Judi Dench, John Malkovich Horoscopes
Today's birthdays (December 9): Drummer Tre Cool of Green Day is 35. Singer-game show host Donny Osmond is 50. Actor John Malkovich is 54. Actor Beau Bridges is 66. Actress Judi Dench is 73. Actor Kirk Douglas is 91. Film director-actor Walt Disney is dead.
More.
Dec 9, 2007, 14:54
Spam Condoms Make Great Christmas Stocking Stuffers
WEST CHESTER, Penna. – Just in time for the Christmas season, Hormel Foods, makers of Spam, have added condoms to the ever-growing catalog of novelty gift items bearing the popular foodstuff's name.
More.
Nov 25, 2007, 13:14
Rachael Ray Sex Videos, the Director's Cuts, Available Friday
NEW YORK – The long-awaited director's cuts of the Rachael Ray sex videos, “Thirty-Minute Ménages” and “Rachael Ray for $40 a Day,” will be available this Friday. These never-before-released, artisanal creations, packaged in a black-truffle-scented, box-set edition, contain roughly sixty-nine minutes of additional, lip-smacking footage.
More.
Nov 21, 2007, 12:14
President Bush Will Pardon Thanksgiving Tofurky
WASHINGTON, D.C. – President George W. Bush will pardon the National Thanksgiving Tofurky in a ceremony to be televised tomorrow from the White House lawn.
More.
Nov 19, 2007, 11:06
Pamela Anderson to Wed Rick Salomon, Sex Video at Eleven
LAS VEGAS – The sex video community is popping its button-fly jeans over the anticipated wedding of celebrity porn star Pamela Anderson and Rick Salomon, Paris Hilton’s one-time stud muffin.
More.
Oct 1, 2007, 10:04
Indiana Jones Movie Won’t Be Called The Colonoscopy of Doom
HOLLYWOOD - The long-awaited new Indiana Jones movie will not be called Indiana Jones and the Colonoscopy of Doom, despite Harrison Ford’s stumping on behalf of that title.
More.
Sep 10, 2007, 11:49
Jerry Lewis Apologizes to Illiterates Everywhere
LOS ANGELES – Former comedian Jerry Lewis apologized yesterday “to illiterates everywhere” for a remark he made during the 207th hour of his annual Labor Day telethon.
More.
Sep 5, 2007, 07:21
|
© The fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously.
|
|
|
|
