Your Seldom Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 Your sun is in arrears and your moon is in contempt. Ordinarily this would mean that you should be incognito, but these are not ordinary times. The presence of the planet Dipthong in your literary house and the emergence of the Ringo star in your musical constellation point to the need for the bold initiative instead. Remember, the grand gesture is the prelude to grand success. Think large, live large, and-as Lane Bryant is my judge-large will be your shadow on the world's stage.
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The Grammar Prick
 Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
Visit The Grammar Prick
Postcards the Book
 The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters: 1 2
Free the Music
 Strike a blow for freedom.
Download music today.
You can't beat the price.
Get the skinny at Zeropaid.
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UConn Women a Huge Bust in the Neilsen Ratings
DAYTON, Ohio - The University of Connecticut's women's basketball team might be the best women's team ever assembled, but their Neilsen ratings suck. According to the Nielsen overnights for the UConn-Florida State game last night—which the Lady Huskies won 90-50—more people watched the on-screen news crawl than the actual game
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Mar 31, 2010, 08:08
AARP Endorses iPad Betty White Model for Sexting Seniors-CCTV Cameras
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Apple and the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP) have joined forces in order to fill a niche in the ever-competitive cell phone market: the growing popularity of sexting among senior citizens.
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Mar 14, 2010, 11:30
Corey Haim or Corey Feldman Found Dead of Drug Overdose
HOLLYWOOD - Actor Corey Haim, 38, or actor Corey Feldman, 38, was pronounced dead at Providence Saint Joseph Medical Center in Burbank, California, Wednesday morning after an apparent overdose. This according to a police spokesman.
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Mar 10, 2010, 10:00
Kirstie Alley Pimps Organic Scientology Diet on Oprah
HOLLYWOOD - Professional fat woman Kirstie Alley has emerged from the den where she hibernates with her bratwurst during the winter. Ms. Alley hauled her sagging, cellulite-ridden, 230-pound ass onto the Oprah show last week to pimp her newest weight-loss program: Organic Liaison.
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Feb 28, 2010, 11:04
Michelle Obama Taps Barbie Doll for Anti-Obesity Campaign
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The Barbie doll turns fifty-one today, and First Lady Michelle Obama noted the occasion by announcing that Barbie would serve as the official spokesperson for the White House's anti-childhood-obesity campaign.
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Feb 12, 2010, 11:09
Food Network Announces Iron Chef Cannibalism Series
NEW YORK - Despite the success of the The Next Iron Chef last year, the Food Network is in danger of being pushed to near-campy irrelevance—the worst kind of irrelevance there is— by the Travel Channel's No Reservations, Bizarre Foods, and Man v. Food.
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Jan 31, 2010, 17:17
Pat Robertson Egged On by Anderson Cooper's Haitian "Miracle"
PORT AU PRINCE - Much to the horror of television evangelist Pat Robertson, the overwhelming majority of monetary donations to Haiti's earthquake victims has been sent by gay men from across the U.S. and Canada—a trend that has Red Cross officials completely baffled, and Robertson seeing red.
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Jan 27, 2010, 12:09
SpaghettiOs Creator, Donald Goerke, Chokes to Death, Uh-Oh
CAMDEN, N.J. - Donald Goerke, the man who put the "Oh" in SpaghettiOs, choked to death Sunday night while eating his customary bedtime snack of SpaghettiOs and chocolate milk. He was eighty-three.
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Jan 14, 2010, 16:07
Singles Kicked Off BeautifulPeople.com Launch PrettyFaces.com
BOSTON, Mass. - Singles kicked off the elite dating site BeautifulPeople.com, the self-proclaimed "sexiest website in the world today," are not taking their dismissal lying down. Many of the 5,000 people who were ruled off the site for porking up over the holidays are launching a new dating site called PrettyFaces.com.
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Jan 7, 2010, 10:55
There's Trouble in The Dog Whisperer's Paradise
LOS ANGELES, Calif. - Who doesn't love Cesar Millan? The munchkin figure, the sun-god smile, the cute, spikey hair, those preternaturally white teeth, that funny ogg-sent. He trains people; he rehabilitates dogs; he's stinking rich; he's the dog whisperer. Who doesn't love him?
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Jan 5, 2010, 13:18
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© The fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously.
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The Fuck It List
Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die
1. Religion
2. Voting
3. Seat Belts
4. Facebook
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
9. Hats
10. Going to Bed Early.
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