The Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 Now is the time to spread your wings, to wax extravagant, to wax that excess body hair, to use the high-price spread and the extra-wide spreader. Don't settle for mushrooms when truffles are available. Be bold, defy convention, defy the odds. Do not, however, attempt to defy gravity. She's not in a pleasant mood this time of year, and she's cranky in anticipation of the demands of increased holiday travel. If you keep it low and slow, you'll rise to new heights.
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O.J. Simpson Arrest Exclusive: Top Ten Reasons If He Did It
LAS VEGAS – O.J. Simpson, claiming that he is “really innocent this time,” was booked Sunday evening on two counts of robbery with a deadly weapon, two counts of assault with a deadly weapon, and one count each of armed burglary, conspiracy, and wearing golf shoes in a public building.
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Sep 17, 2007, 09:08
O.J. Simpson Arrested for Robbery, Vows to Find Real Thief
LAS VEGAS - O.J. Simpson was arrested today for allegedly participating in an armed robbery at the Palace Station Hotel and Casino Thursday night. Simpson was read his rights in his room at the Palms Casino Resort, according to a police source.
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Sep 16, 2007, 16:33
O.J. Simpson Claims Stealing from Yourself Isn’t Wrong
LAS VEGAS — O.J. Simpson is confident he did nothing wrong when he barged into a casino hotel room with a small posse to repossess items that, he claims, had been stolen from him. The hall-of-fame halfback believes “the law of double jeopardy” permits him to re-acquire “shit that is rightfully mines.
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Sep 15, 2007, 15:57
NRA President Attacks NAACP’s Michael Vick Tool
FAIRFAX, Vir. – NRA president, Wayne LaPierre, assailed R.L. White, HMFIC and president of the NAACP’s Atlanta chapter, for suggesting that deer hunting is “just as bad as” dog fighting.
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Aug 23, 2007, 09:22
Kevin Garnett Loss Felt Already in Minnesota
MINNEAPOLIS - Minnesota Timberwolves general manager, Kevin McHale, came under fire yesterday when it was learned that Timberwolves forward Kevin Garnett, traded to the Boston Celtics one day before the tragic I-35 bridge collapse last week, had spent much of his off-court time standing in the Mississippi River trying to help support the bridge during rush hour.
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Aug 6, 2007, 08:49
Rush Limbaugh Says Donovan McNabb Coddled by Philly Press
NEW YORK – According to Rush Limbaugh, Donovan McNabb is being protected by the Philadelphia press, which has orchestrated “a shameful and concerted news blackout” of remarks Mr. McNabb made about Michael Vick to the Washington Post and other news sources.
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Aug 3, 2007, 08:57
Michael Vick Severs Ties with PRCA and Skoal
NEWPORT NEWS, Vir. – A lawyer for suspended Atlanta Falcons quarterback, Michael Vick, announced today that Mr. Vick was severing his ties with the Professional Rodeo Cowboys Association (PCRA) and with Skoal, the makers of smokeless tobacco.
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Aug 2, 2007, 14:27
Michael Vick’s Dog House Program Busts Britney Spears
NEWPORT NEWS, Vir. – Michael Vick’s Dog House, a one-minute segment of social commentary, debuted on radio station WCUR in Newport News, Virginia, during morning drive time yesterday.
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Jul 31, 2007, 11:17
Michael Vick Puppy Soccer Game Pulled by Madden
NEW YORK – Michael Vick’s Ultimate Puppy Soccer (UPS), a high-concept video game that had been scheduled for a September release, has been pulled by the Madden Group following allegations that Mr. Vick hosted actual soccer games in which puppies were used instead of balls at his southeast Virginia retreat.
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Jul 20, 2007, 08:52
David Beckham Sucks, According to Soccer Poll
WEST CHESTER, Penna. - David Beckham has gotten off on the wrong foot according to the first scientific analysis of his ability to pimp soccer in the United States. A poll conducted by Postcards from the Pug Bus, southeastern Pennsylvania's leading satire website, revealed that most Americans couldn't give a free kick about Mr. Beckham or the game he plays.
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Jul 15, 2007, 18:32
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