The Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 Now is the time to spread your wings, to wax extravagant, to wax that excess body hair, to use the high-price spread and the extra-wide spreader. Don't settle for mushrooms when truffles are available. Be bold, defy convention, defy the odds. Do not, however, attempt to defy gravity. She's not in a pleasant mood this time of year, and she's cranky in anticipation of the demands of increased holiday travel. If you keep it low and slow, you'll rise to new heights.
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Larry Craig Wants Toilet Cams in Airport Restrooms
BOISE, Idaho – Embattled Senator Larry Craig says he plans to introduce legislation in Congress that will mandate the placement of toilet cams in all airport restrooms. In fact, the senator said in a press release yesterday, “I plan to make toilet cam legislation the centerpiece of my reelection campaign.”
More.
Aug 31, 2007, 09:00
Senator Craig: I Am Not Gay, I Just Act Gay in Restrooms
BOISE, Idaho – Senator Larry Craig assured his constituents, his god, and his family yesterday that he is not gay, but he does suffer from Gayrette’s Syndrome, “an unfortunate tendency” to behave gay in public restrooms.
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Aug 29, 2007, 08:29
Jenna Bush Gets Engaged with Alberto Gonzalez’ Help
WASHINGTON, D.C. - The White House announced Thursday that Jenna Bush is engaged to be married. Jenna, 25, will wed Henry Hager, who is currently in a Georgetown hospital recuperating from knee surgery.
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Aug 17, 2007, 20:21
Karl Rove-Laura Bush Sex Video Led to Rove’s Resignation
WASHINGTON, D.C. – The discovery of a torrid, ninety-minute sex video of Karl Rove and Laura Bush “rolling like thunder under the covers” in the Lincoln Bedroom led to Mr. Rove’s abrupt resignation, according to a White House insider.
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Aug 14, 2007, 08:47
AT&T to Begin Censoring Phone Calls and Text Messages
NEW YORK – AT&T, responding to what it called “a surprisingly favorable reaction” to its censorship of the lyrics of Pearl Jam and other recording artists, has announced plans to begin monitoring phone conversations and text messages.
More.
Aug 11, 2007, 11:24
President Bush’s Lyme Disease May Have Been Terrorism
WASHINGTON, D.C. – When President Bush's medical records were released on Wednesday, they revealed that he had been treated for symptoms "consistent with early, localized Lyme disease" in August 2006. Lyme disease is usually contracted through the bite of a deer tick, which the President may have suffered during one of his bike rides.
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Aug 10, 2007, 08:35
Al Gore Believes Son’s Arrest Will Launch Dynasty
MEMPHIS, Tenn. - Former Vice President Al Gore announced today that he believes the guilty plea entered by his son, Al III, yesterday is the kick-start the Gore family needs to become an American political dynasty like the Bushes and the Kennedys.
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Jul 31, 2007, 09:10
Bush, Brown Off to Awkward Start in First Meeting
CAMP DAVID, Md. – President Bush and British Prime Minister Gordon Brown appear to have gotten off to an awkward start when they met at Camp David yesterday.
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Jul 30, 2007, 07:52
Bush Assumes Position for Colonoscopy, Cheney Assumes Power
WASHINGTON, D.C. - White House spokesperson Tony Snow announced today that Vice President Dick Cheney will temporarily assume presidential powers during George Bush's routine colonoscopy tomorrow afternoon.
More.
Jul 20, 2007, 15:22
David Vitter Returns to the Senate This Week
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Louisiana Senator David Vitter, who has been in seclusion since he acknowledged one week ago that his name was linked to phone records of Deborah Jean Palfrey, the D.C. madam, will soon return to Washington for votes in the Senate, his office confirmed Sunday.
More.
Jul 16, 2007, 09:52
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