Your Seldom Daily Horoscope
(Ramp Accessible)
 Your sun is in arrears and your moon is in contempt. Ordinarily this would mean that you should be incognito, but these are not ordinary times. The presence of the planet Dipthong in your literary house and the emergence of the Ringo star in your musical constellation point to the need for the bold initiative instead. Remember, the grand gesture is the prelude to grand success. Think large, live large, and-as Lane Bryant is my judge-large will be your shadow on the world's stage.
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The Grammar Prick
 Meaner than a powdery, old-hag English teacher, The Grammar Prick will split your head if you split an infinitive.
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Postcards the Book
 The book that inspired a website is available from Cedar Tree Books. Written by someone who was actually raised by pugs, Postcards is a welcome addition to any mailbox. Sample chapters: 1 2
Free the Music
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Angelina Jolie Taking Toll on Brad Pitt
LOS ANGELES - Brad Pitt's friends are worried that his relationship with Angelina Jolie is taking a fearsome toll on the once boyishly handsome actor. They claim that Mr. Pitt, who looked forty-one going on twenty-nine when he left Jennifer Aniston five years ago, now looks every minute of his forty-six years and then some.
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Feb 3, 2010, 09:49
Tila Tequila Shuts Down Her Twitter Account
HOLLYWOOD, Calif. - Reality television star Tila Tequila has canceled her Twitter account after telling her 309,980 followers that "Twitter is full of nothing but the most hateful devil worshippers, terrorists, racists, and fat people that I have ever seen! Twitter is bad. My true fans know where to find me."
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Feb 2, 2010, 13:17
Taylor Swift Plans Chain of Anal Bleaching Salons
NASHVILLE - Country artist Taylor Swift, 20, announced on her website yesterday that she plans to open a chain of anal bleaching salons this summer. Ms. Swift, who turns her frequent two-month romances into popular songs, will cut the ribbon at the flagship Pucker Up bleaching salon in Los Angeles at a date to be announced later. As usual she plans to write a song for the occasion.
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Jan 13, 2010, 16:53
Jennifer Lopez Starts Pet Advice Column
LOS ANGELES - Jennifer Lopez' introduction of a high-end line of designer accessories for pets demonstrated her commitment to the animal-welfare movement. That concern is further demonstrated by Lopez' newest animal-related enterprise—an advice column for pets. The column, entitled "Jennifer Lopez on All Fours," will debut in the November issues of Dog Fancy and Cat Fancy magazines.
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Nov 1, 2009, 22:43
Gwyneth Paltrow Sucks in Fellatio, the Lost Shakespeare Comedy
PHILADELPHIA - Gwyneth Paltrow's halting performance in Fellatio, the Lost Shakespeare Comedy, proves that Aristotle knew what he was talking about when he said, "One swallow does not make a summer."
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Mar 4, 2009, 00:48
Paul McCartney Has Sticker Shock Following Divorce
LONDON - Friends of ex-Beatle Paul McCartney, 65, report that he is "near suicidal" over the terms of his divorce settlement with former wife number two, Heather Mills, 40.
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Mar 19, 2008, 08:35
Britney Spears Released from Hospital After Son Takes Her Hostage
LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears was released from the hospital Saturday, a little more than twenty-four hours after being admitted. The beloved pop star had been rushed to Cedars Sinai Medical Center following a tense night in which she had been held hostage in her home by her football-headed son, Jayden James.
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Jan 6, 2008, 09:35
Britney Spears Is the Antichrist for Real
LOS ANGELES - Britney Spears warned us last year in words as plain as the three 6's scrawled with a black magic marker on her shaven head: "I am the Antichrist." As though to underscore her claim, Ms. Spears ran around stark raving naked in rehab, scrawling misspelled obscenities on the walls with her own feces.
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Jan 4, 2008, 16:41
Will Smith Denounced by JDL for Saying Hitler Was Probably Human
LOS ANGELES - Actor, rapper, and Tom Cruise butt buddy Will Smith got royally tarred and feathered by the JDL (Jewish Defense League) for advancing the theory that Adolph Hitler, despite his record, may have been human.
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Dec 26, 2007, 11:00
Jamie Lynn Spears Gets Pregnant as Surrogate for Britney
BUMFUCH, La. - Jamie Lynn Spears, 16, is knocked up higher than her no-account big sister on a three-day, Little Debbies-and-Red Bull binge; yet no one in the Spears family acts as if there's anything unusual about this event—or about the fact that the putative father of this unfortunate git is nineteen years old.
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Dec 19, 2007, 10:19
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© The fine print: the editorial content on this page is fictional. It is presented for entertainment purposes only. We cannot be held responsible for the actions of anyone who takes this sort of shit seriously.
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The Fuck It List
Ten Things You Should Flip the Bird to Before You Die
1. Religion
2. Voting
3. Seat Belts
4. Facebook
5. Paying for Music and Movies
6. The Bucket List
7. Classical Music
8. Pissing Indoors All the Time
9. Hats
10. Going to Bed Early.
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